Fair
by Princess Oats 435
Summary: She was sorry for the pain that her sons would feel when they got the phone call that she was dead. She was sorry that she was going to do that to them.
1. Hey, are you lonely?

I heard this song and the idea for this popped into my head. I hope that you like it, and the song is by Remy Zero. The second part of the song will be in the next chapter…provided of course you guys want a second chapter. Let me know. I'm supposed to be studying for finals which start Monday and are the bane of my existence, but I'm procrastinating…so…here you go!

Disclaimer: Neither the song or the characters belong to me. However I do own a Western Civilization book that I bought for $80 and will probably sell it back for $6. So if you do sue me, I can give you a whole $6!

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She held the photograph in her hands and ran her fingers over the smiling people in the framed picture. They looked so happy. Was it possible that they were ever that happy? Was there a time that they were all okay? Things hadn't been okay in so long that she doubted she would even recognize okay anymore.

How had her life turned out like this? This was not how she had planned her life to be. Then again, whose life ever turned out like they planned?

But she had plans for herself. Big plans. Plans that did not include drinking herself stupid every night because she just couldn't face reality. Reality had gotten way too harsh, and she needed to escape. No, her plans had not included an escape hatch. How stupid of her to think that life would be fair and kind to her.

Plans that also did not include her family crumbling around her. She was left to pick up the pieces. She didn't even know where to start trying to put things back together. And she didn't want to be the one to put things back together. She didn't want to keep having to apply a little more glue which would never hold.

God, she was a mess. She hated this. She hated everything about her life. She screamed and threw the picture against the wall, and the glass shattered and she fell to her knees ignoring the splinters of glass that were now cutting her legs. She picked it back up and pulled the picture out of the frame. She covered her mouth with her hand and sobbed. Rocking back onto her heels, she slowly got to her feet still clutching the photo in her hand.

Her husband. He loved her once, right? He used to tell her that he knew that he was meant to be with her the moment that he laid eyes on her. How many times had he said,

"I love you so much, you know that right?" And how many times had she believed it. He loved her. As long as he loved her everything would be okay.

Nothing was okay. Because he was gone. She could remember exactly how it felt to lay in his arms as he held her and whispered that he loved her. That he would love her forever.

Why had she believed that? Why had she trusted that he would always be there for her? Why hadn't she made alternate plans? Plans that didn't include him?

Because she loved him. Still. Always.

Her smiling sons. Did they love her? That one was a little trickier. They loved her once, surely, but still? She wasn't so sure about that one.

And how awful. To not know if your sons still loved you or not. That's how bad things had gotten for her.

She loved them. She thought about them always. Every drink she took, she thought of them. All three of them. Her husband and her sons. She thought of what she could have done differently to change things.

All day long the what if's ran through her head. It made her nauseous thinking about it. Thinking about all the things that she could have done differently. All the things that she could have made better if she had known how things were going to turn out. Someone should have told her. Someone should have warned her.

But that's how these things always were, right? All the could of, would of, should of's didn't change anything. It just made everything seem so much worse.

Holding the photo, she went into the bathroom and pulled out the bottle of pills. She went back into the living room and poured herself another shot of vodka.

It would all be over soon. The wishing that she could have done things differently. Wanting another chance to be able to do things over again, wanting a second chance more than anything else. Well, that second chance was taking way too long, and she just couldn't wait any more.

It hurt way too much to wait anymore.

_Hey are you lonely?_

_Summer's gone so slowly_

_We found the ground_

_And that damage is done_

_It's cold as you fade into the sun_

_Where'd you go tonight? _

She was sorry that she had to do this. She was sorry that it had come to this. She was sorry for the pain that her sons would feel when they got the phone call that she was dead. She was sorry that she was going to do that to them.

She wasn't sure how they would react. She wasn't sure if they would be angry with her for putting them through more, or if they would grieve for her. It had been so long since she had seen or talked to either one of them.

She wanted to hold them one more time. She wanted to tell them that she loved them, that she had always loved them, and that she was so damn sorry. She thought about leaving a note for each of them. She would write one for her husband too. Explaining why, and to tell them each individually how much she loved them. Tell them each what it was that she loved about them the most. But in the end, she just couldn't.

Instead she left one note. It was simple. She folded it and left it on the table next to her wedding ring.

"I'm sorry. And I love you."

_But you're alive_

_Well it's only_

_Fallen frames, they told me_

_You stand out, it's so loud_

_And so what if it is? _

_It's cold as you face into the wind_

_Where'd it go to? _

_Tonight the sun shall see it's light_

The phone rang in the Cohen house and Kirsten, being the only one home, reached over and grabbed it.  
"Hello?" When they asked for Ryan Atwood, Kirsten frowned slightly. "He's at school. This is foster mother, can I help you?" Her breath caught in her throat and she managed to mumble,

"Thank you, I'll tell him," before hanging up and immediately calling Sandy at work.

"Sandy Cohen's office," his secretary Jennifer said.

"Hey, Jen, this is Kirsten, is he there?"

"Oh, hi, Kirsten! Yeah, hang on one second." Kirsten waited for a minute until she heard Sandy's voice.

"Hey gorgeous, what's up? Are you enjoying your day off?"

"Sandy, you need to come home."

"What's the matter?" His heart began to race. "Are you okay? Are the boys okay?"

"Just, please…come home." Sandy told Jen as he was running out that he had to go home, and jumped into his car. Thousands of scenarios were running through his head, and none of them were good. Kirsten hadn't assured him that she was okay, and so he was panicking, as he always panicked when it came to her or the boys. He ran at least four stop signs as he sped home. When he pulled into the driveway, the door flew open and Kirsten stood there.

When Sandy reached her, he noticed that she was pale and trembling and he instinctively reached out and pulled her into his arms.

"What's the matter babe? Are you okay? Are the boys okay?" She managed to nod.

"I got a phone call," she said taking deep breaths and calming herself down. She looked up and met his eyes. "Dawn killed herself, Sandy. She's dead. Dawn's dead."

_So what if you catch me_

_Where would we land?_

_In somebody's life_

_For taking his hands_

_Sing to me hope as she's_

_Thrown on the sand_

_All of your work_

_Is rated again_

_Where to go?_

Okay, so that was the first chapter, let me know if you're interested in my continuing. I'm off to study for stats. Good God, I can't even express to you how much I hate stats. Make my day better, please?!


	2. That damage is done

Okay, first of all, you guys rock my socks, plain and simple. Second, I'm really sorry this took so long. My computer crashed, and I had to wait for them to come fix it, combine that with the start of finals week, and well….sorry it took so long. But please review again, it makes me happy, and nothing else really is making me very happy this week. I'm a wee bit stressed out, forgive me, and please review! You guys are awesome.

Disclaimer: Not my characters, not my song.

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"What?" Sandy asked.

"Dawn. She overdosed on pain killers," Kirsten repeated. "Oh God, Sandy." She buried her head in his chest again and he stroked her blonde hair absentmindedly.

There was one thing on both their minds. How was Ryan going to react? It was still his mother, despite the fact that she left him and they hadn't seen or heard from her in months.

"He's going to be devastated," Kirsten said softly. "I just…how bad were things that it had gotten to this point? Was there something that we could have done?" Sandy shook his head.

"Honey…it's not your fault. Don't blame yourself." Kirsten shook her head and wiped away a tear that had begun to snake down her face.

"I know…I know that it's not my fault. But I can't help but think if we would have…I don't know, done something...maybe she just needed some help. Maybe we should have offered to help her find an apartment and get a job and help her get her life back together." Kirsten took a shuddering breath. "How are we going to tell Ryan?" Sandy shook his head again. Another thing that he didn't know. He wished that he could fix this. He wished he could spare Ryan the pain that would come. He wished that he could stop Kirsten from feeling guilty over this. Stop her from feeling like she could have done something to prevent it. He knew that she knew logically that she had nothing to do with Dawn's death. That she barely knew the woman really, and that by taking Ryan in and treating him as if he were her own, Kirsten had already done more for her than anyone else had ever.

But a woman was dead, and someone needed to hold at least some of the blame. And Sandy knew that Kirsten would hold an unfair amount, but more than anyone, Ryan would.

He would undoubtedly blame himself. And Sandy wanted more than anything to see to it that he didn't. He knew that it was impossible, but he was going to at least try.

"I don't know," Sandy said. "I guess we just tell him."

They would have to tell him when he got home from school. They would have to tell him as soon as he walked in the door.

It was a conversation that neither Sandy nor Kirsten were looking forward to.

_And you were somehow the rain this thing could allow_

_But it's all wrong_

_You're so strong_

_And this life and work_

_And choice took far too long_

_Where'd it go?_

_Tonight the sun shall see it's light_

Ryan and Seth's voices could be heard as the front door shut. Seth was saying something, and Ryan was laughing about it. Sandy and Kirsten were still in the office, she had finally gotten herself completely calmed down, but Sandy's arms were still securely wrapped around her. Partly to keep her calm, and partly to keep himself calm.

When they heard the boys, they exchanged a look. Kirsten took a deep breath and reluctantly pulled away. Sandy took her hand and the two went out into the kitchen where Seth was pulling out milk and Ryan was scavenging for the last of Rosa's cookies.

"Mom? Dad? What are you guys doing home?" Seth asked. It was rare to see one of his parents home when he came home from school, it was extremely rare to see both. It was then that Ryan got the sinking feeling in his stomach. Something was wrong. He could see it in Kirsten and Sandy's tense positions, the way that Kirsten was gripping onto Sandy's hand. There was a reason that they were both home in the afternoon, and it certainly wasn't good.

"Seth, honey? Can we talk to Ryan alone for a minute?" Kirsten asked softly. Ryan gulped hard and Seth looked from his parents to Ryan and then back.

"Sure, I'll be upstairs, if you need me," he told Ryan before disappearing from the kitchen.

"Please Seth," Sandy called out. "Please go upstairs." They heard Seth sigh and his retreating footsteps.

"What's the matter?" Ryan asked softly.

"Kirsten got a phone call earlier," Sandy started. "Your mother…she, um…" He looked to Kirsten for guidance, and she stepped forward and placed a hand on Ryan's shoulders.

"She overdosed on pain killers, honey," she said gently.

"Is she…dead?" Kirsten nodded, and tried to figure out what Ryan was thinking, but his face was impassive. "Was it…did she do it on purpose?"

"They found a note," Sandy said taking a step closer and placing one hand on Kirsten's shoulder. Ryan just nodded and took a step back, letting Kirsten's hand fall.

"I need….I'm going to…I need…." He bolted from the kitchen, and they could hear the sounds of retching from the bathroom. Kirsten ran after him and rubbed a hand over his back.

"We're here for you, sweetheart. Anything you need, just name it, okay? Please let us know," she told him. Sandy walked in with a wet washcloth and handed it to Ryan, who wiped his face. Kirsten helped him to his feet, and leaned in to give him a hug, and was surprised when he let her.

"We love you," she whispered.

"Can I…um, I need to be alone for a little while," he said.

"Sure, kid, take all the time you need. We'll be here if you need us," Sandy assured him.

They watched his retreating back as he went out the patio door. Kirsten turned back to Sandy, her face lined with tears, and silently, he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close.

"He's going to be okay," Sandy told her giving her a soft kiss on the lips. "He's going to get through this. We're going to get through this."

_So what if you catch me_

_Where would we land?_

_In somebody's life_

_For taking his hands_

_Sing to me hope as she's _

_Thrown on the sand_

_All of our work_

_Is rated again_

Seth finally had enough of waiting in his room and hurried back downstairs to see what was going on. He was out of loop, and Seth hated to be out of the loop. When he got down to the kitchen, Ryan was no where in sight, and his father was holding his mother who was weeping softly.

"What's going on?" He asked. "Where's Ryan?"

"Seth," his dad said looking up. "Sit down."

"Why is Mom upset? What happened?" Kirsten reached out and placed a hand on Seth's arm.

"We got a phone call today, Ryan's mother killed herself," she told him. Seth was rendered speechless.

"Is he…I mean, is he okay?"

"He needed some time by himself," Sandy told him. "Let's give him some space. This is a lot to handle."

"But…I mean…" Seth didn't know what to say, he didn't know what he was supposed to do. "What can I do?"

"Oh honey," Kirsten said pulling him into a hug. "Just be there for him. He's going to want to pull away, and we need to let him know that we're here for him." She placed a kiss on the top of Seth's head, and Seth wondered what it would feel like to be in Ryan's place.

What if his mother was dead? What if his mother had killed herself? He looked at his mom, who had pulled away from him and was now pulling out four tea cups and putting the water on the stove. God, he was horrified at the thought of losing his mother, and while he knew that Ryan's mother was nothing like his own, it was still his mother. And he knew that Ryan still loved her.

Surprising both his parents, Seth wrapped his arms around Kirsten.

"I love you," he said softly.

"I love you too," she replied. She ran a hand up and down his back soothingly, and ran a hand through his unruly hair.

"Watch the Jew fro Mom," he told her with a small smile.

"I knew that was pushing it," she said giving him a small smile of her own. Sandy moved closer to his wife and son and gave them each a kiss on the temple.

Dawn's death had made all three realize that they couldn't take one another for granted. They could take nothing for granted. They had to remind one another how much they loved each.

And they would have to remind Ryan how much they loved him. But above all, they would have to make him see that he had a support group, that he had them, and that he didn't have to go through this alone.

"I'm going to take him out some tea," Kirsten announced pulling herself away and pouring the hot water into one of the mugs. "I'll be right back." Sandy nodded, and Seth didn't reply, lost in his own little world.

Kirsten took the hot mug and made her way across the backyard. She knocked lightly and stepped inside.

"I brought you a cup of tea," she said. She was greeted by silence. The door to the bathroom was open, and Ryan was no where in sight. There was a note on the bed, and she picked it up.

"I had to do something, please don't worry. I'm not sure when I'll be back, Ryan."

Don't worry, he said. Worry was exactly what Kirsten was going to do, as she hurried back in the house to show Sandy so that he could worry with her.

_When I was sure you'd follow through_

_My world was turned to blue so thin_

_When you'd hide _

_Your songs would die_

_So I'd hide yours with mine_

_And all my words were bound to fail_

_I know you won't fail_

_See, I can tell_

Please review! And sorry again it took so long, damn computer, damn finals. Finals are the instrument of the devil. I'm a little stressed right now, make me feel better please!


	3. Where to go?

I'm done with finals! I'm done with this semester! This makes me more happy than you can even imagine. So in celebration of this, and because it may take me awhile to get the next update (my computer at home is iffy at best) here is a chapter to tide you over! Please review and let me know what you thought. And I survived stats! I even managed a B. Go me!

Disclaimer: I own nothing. You can have my stats book if you'd like, they won't buy it back.

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Sandy spotted his wife coming back to the house with the cup still in her hands, and a worried look that he had come to know well on her face. She opened the door and placed the mug down on the table, and he noticed for the first time the piece of paper that she was clutching in her hands.

"Sandy, I need to talk to you," she said. Seth looked up.

"What's the matter?" He asked. Kirsten completely ignored her son, instead, she repeated,

"Sandy, I need to talk to you." Seth knew that it had something to do with Ryan, and if that was the case then he wanted to know what it was.

"Sure," Sandy said and followed Kirsten out of the kitchen and into the office.

"Ryan's gone," she said as soon as the door was closed.

"What?"

"He's gone. I found this note on his bed." She handed him the note, and Sandy read it and then looked up at his wife. She was nervously twisting her wedding ring around her finger. "What should we do?" He hated to tell her that there wasn't much that they could do. They could try to drive around and find him, but Ryan said that he would be back, and the best thing to do was just to wait. But that wasn't what Kirsten wanted to hear, and it wasn't what Sandy wanted to tell her.

"We could see if he went down to Chino," he offered. Kirsten nodded slightly, her eyes filling up with tears, and Sandy had just enough time to pull her into his arms before the tears started to roll down her cheeks.

"It's just…he's hurting and now he's all alone," she said softly.

"I know, let's go get Seth, and tell him what's going on, he can stay here while you and I drive around," Sandy told her. Yes, they would drive around, maybe drive down to Chino, that way neither one would feel so totally and completely helpless about the situation.

"I'm coming with you," Seth said as soon as they told him the plan.

"Honey, someone needs to stay here," Kirsten told him.

"Fine, then you stay here, I'm going," Seth replied stubbornly.

"No," Sandy finally spoke up in a firm voice. It wasn't very often that he or Kirsten was very strict with Seth, and both his wife and son looked up at him in surprise. "You'll stay here while your mother and I drive down to Chino. Don't argue with us anymore. If Ryan calls or comes home, call us right away."

"Fine," Seth said huffily. "But it's not fair." He stalked out of the room like a five year old, and Kirsten managed a shake of her head and a small laugh. Some things never changed.

"Grab your coat, sweetie, let's go," Sandy said. He grabbed the keys to the Range Rover, and Kirsten followed him out the door.

Both knew that they weren't going to find Ryan, and both knew that it was unfair to make Seth stay behind when he was just as worried as them, but both really didn't care. If they could pretend they were under control, than that's what they were going to do.

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Ryan sat across from Trey. Trey's head was bent over and he was crying. It was disturbing, Ryan had never seen Trey cry. Ryan had gone to the prison to see if Trey knew yet, and if he didn't to be the one to tell him. Trey had given him a wary hug, and then reprimanded him for coming down.

"I told you to forget about us," he said.

"Mom's dead." It came out before Ryan had a chance to realize that he was saying it. It was the only thought that was circulating through his brain, and it just slipped out.

"What?"

"Mom killed herself. She's dead. I got a call this afternoon," Ryan explained.

"When did this happen?" Trey asked, and his voice shook slightly.

"I don't know," Ryan said shrugging. He was calm now. After he had left the Cohens, he caught a bus and had cried the entire way down, garnering quite a few strange looks his way. Then he had walked to his old house and looked inside, trying to see if he could find the note. He walked through the rooms in the house, before finally going into his mother's room and dropping down to the bed and crying some more. He didn't think it was possible that there was any tears left in him. He was all cried out. But now he was calm, and he ordered himself to stay that way. He had done enough crying.

Trey's head dropped to the table, and his shoulders started to heave. Ryan didn't know whether or not to try to comfort him. With the Cohens, the lines were clear, if someone was upset, the others tried to console them. But with the Atwoods, the lines were blurred. Ryan shifted uncomfortably in his seat.

"You'll make sure to tell me when the funeral is right?" Trey asked as he regained his composure.

"Sure," Ryan assured him. "I'll make sure you can come." Even if for some reason Trey wasn't going to be allowed, Ryan would ask Sandy to pull all the strings that he could.

"Hey, can you do me one more favor?"

"What's that?" Ryan asked nervously. Trey's favors were never good. They always ended up turning out badly for Ryan.

"Can you go and tell Dad? He should hear it in person." Their father. God, Ryan hadn't thought about his father in ages. His mother? She had crossed his mind from time to time. Most of the time she came up when he was comparing Kirsten to her, but his father he had successfully blocked out.

"Dad?" Ryan repeated.

"Yeah," Trey said. And Ryan wanted to say no, and he wanted to tell Trey that he shouldn't even have come there. That he should have just let Sandy or someone call. But instead, he found himself nodding.

"I can do that," Ryan told him, and Trey's face broke into a small smile. Then his face fell again.

"How could she do this to us?" Trey asked the question that had been on Ryan's mind all afternoon. Ryan was upset, but more than upset, Ryan was pissed off.

How could she do this to them? Didn't she think of anyone but herself? Sandy had said that she left a note. What did the note say? Ryan wasn't sure that he wanted to know what was on it, and at the same time, he wasn't sure if he would be able to not know.

Ryan had no answer for Trey, and so he remained silent.

"How are you doing?" Trey asked as if remembering suddenly that Ryan had lost someone too.

"I'm…" How was he doing? He was confused. He was hurt. He was sad, and lonely, and angry, and about a million and one emotions. "…doing okay." It was a lie. They both knew it.

"You're still with that lawyer and his family?"

"Sandy," Ryan nodded. "And Kirsten and Seth."

"What are they like?" Ryan paused. It was strange to talk about the Cohens with Trey. He didn't know what he could say that wouldn't be an insult to Trey and his parents. What did he want him to say? He certainly couldn't talk about Kirsten. Not when the only thing he could say would be that she acts like a mother, and that she cares about him and that was certainly something that Ryan wasn't used to. No, he couldn't say that, not when Trey was already so upset.

"They're great," Ryan finally settled on. "They're really great." Trey nodded. "But I should probably go. I left without really telling Kirsten and Sandy were I was going." Trey nodded and climbed to his feet giving his little brother a hug.

"Take care of yourself, and let me know about the funeral." Ryan nodded and started to walk out.

He would have to go talk to his father now.

He would have to see him for the first time since he was taken off to jail.

He would have to tell him that his wife was dead.

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Kirsten was still twisting her ring around her finger as Sandy drove with his hands clutching the steering wheel tightly. She wasn't sure if he knew where he was going, or if he was just driving in the general direction of Chino. She wasn't sure if she should ask him. Instead, she turned to face out the window and sighed.

"He's going to be okay," Sandy told her. "Really. He probably just needed to get away for a little while. He could have just gone down to the beach." Kirsten didn't answer, she just continued to stare out the window. Sandy glanced at the clock. It was nearing seven, which meant that Ryan had been gone for nearly 4 hours, and the two were nearly to Chino now.

"We should go to the hospital," Kirsten spoke up suddenly. "Where Dawn's body is. He might have gone there. We could start making the funeral arrangements."

"Okay," Sandy said reaching out and placing his hand on top of hers. "We'll go to the hospital. But first, let's just swing by Dawn's house?"

"Sure," Kirsten said nodding. "That's fine." Sandy was fairly sure that Ryan wouldn't have gone to the hospital, but he probably would have gone home. When they pulled up in front of the house, Kirsten jumped out first, and Sandy was right on her heels. Kirsten went back to look for Ryan, while Sandy glanced around the house remembering the first time he had come here with Ryan.

"He's not here," Kirsten announced coming from the back hallway. Sandy nodded. The door to the house flew open and a man came stumbling in.

"Where's Dawn?" He slurred. "Where is she?" Sandy felt Kirsten move behind him, and for that he was grateful. He reached behind and felt her grab his hand.

"Can we help you?" Sandy asked slowly.

"I'm AJ," the man told him. "She's dead, isn't she? She's dead." AJ pointed the bottle at Sandy and Kirsten and some beer sloshed out the top. "They told me that she was dead. They told me that she killed herself." AJ suddenly threw the bottle across the room and it smashed against the wall, Kirsten flinched, and Sandy pulled her so that she was completely behind him. "God damn it!" He screamed.

"AJ, we're going to leave," Sandy said as he started towards the door. "We're going to take care of the funeral arrangements."

"Who are you?" AJ suddenly asked.

"We're Ryan's guardians."

"Ryan. That little shit. He did this to her. He made her do this."

"No, he didn't," it came out before Kirsten had time to stop it. AJ lowered his eyes and glared at her.

"He was ungrateful, and he left her. That's why she did this! Her one kid is in jail and the other abandoned her." Sandy squeezed Kirsten's hand as if to tell her to let it go for now.

"We're going to go," Sandy repeated. Kirsten bit her lip to stop from saying what was on her mind. They had reached the door now, and Kirsten stepped outside. "Someone will contact you when the arrangements are made." As they were leaving, Kirsten looked back and watched as the drunken man fell to his knees and began to sob.

It just reminded her of how much Ryan must be hurting, and how he was alone, and it broke her heart.

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So let me know what you thought of this chapter. And I will try really hard to get my computer at home to work, I promise! But yay! No more finals, it just kind of hit me. Oh, I'm so happy right now.


	4. Fade into the sun

Okay so my computer at home is working! That, my friends, is very good news for you! I hope that you enjoy this chapter, and how good was the OC on Thursday? But it's a bummer that there's not a new one until January…oh well, something to look forward to. And I hope that everyone has a very Merry Christmas, or a very Happy Hanukkah, or Happy Kwaanza. Let me know what you thought! Thanks!

Disclaimer: Oh right, I don't own the characters.

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Ryan glanced at his watch. He had left the house at 3:30, gotten to Chino around 5, the bus having taken much longer than he would have liked, stopped to see Trey around 7, and now had to catch a Greyhound to Fresno to see his dad.

The Cohens were going to kill him. He found a payphone near the bus station to call them to let them know that he was okay. He called the house and Seth picked up on the second ring.

"Hello?"

"Seth?"

"Ryan? Where are you man? Mom and Dad are going crazy, they've been driving around since four trying to find you." Ryan felt guilty immediately. He hadn't meant to worry them so much, this was just something that he had to do, and he had to do by himself. The Cohens meant well, but they just didn't understand the concept of space.

"I'll let them know I'm okay," Ryan said. "I'll call your Dad's phone and tell him that I'm okay."

"No need," a voice behind him said. He turned to find Sandy had pulled up to the curb beside the phone.

"I gotta go Seth," Ryan said hanging up. He had only a moment before Kirsten threw her arms around him and hugged him tightly. "I told you not to worry in my note."

"Well, we did," Kirsten replied.

"Get in the car kid," Sandy said.

"I have to…"

"What?" Kirsten asked pulling away. "Wherever you still need to go, we can take you." Ryan looked as if he was contemplating this for a moment. He certainly didn't want Kirsten to have to go to the prison with him. He remembered all too well the catcalls and whistles that she had gotten when she came to see him in juvie.

"I need to go see my dad," he finally said. "I was going to take a bus up to Fresno." Kirsten looked surprised, to say the least, but she recovered and nodded.

"You're right, you should go see him and tell him in person," she told him. It was Ryan's turn to look at her surprised. The Cohens were always surprising him with their capability to understand things that they really shouldn't. Somehow, Kirsten had understood why he had to go there. She had understood why this was something that he had to do.

"It's too late tonight, kid, we'll just get a head start tomorrow," Sandy said. Ryan nodded, and started towards the car.

"Okay," he said defeated. He knew that there wasn't really a point in going all the way to Fresno that night. By the time he got there, it would quite late, and he hadn't thought about where he would sleep once he got there. But he wanted to be there first thing in the morning. Be there and get it over with.

"Or, we can go up to Fresno, and get a hotel room for the night, and go first thing in the morning," Kirsten suggested. Ryan watched as she caught Sandy's eye and a whole unspoken conversation went on between them. It was amazing that they could communicate without ever saying anything.

"Sure," Sandy said. "We can do that. We'll go home first, pack a bag, make a hotel reservation and drive up to Fresno." He and Kirsten climbed in the car, and Ryan climbed in the back seat.

"You don't have to do that," Ryan said suddenly. There was no need for them to spend money on a hotel room when they could just stay at home that night. While he knew that money meant nothing to them, he still couldn't help but feel badly whenever they spent it on him.

"Honey, it's fine," Kirsten assured him turning around in her seat and placing a hand on his leg. She didn't add that this way she could keep an eye on him. Make sure that he didn't run away again.

Ryan nodded numbly and turned and watched as they drove home. Sandy reached over and took Kirsten's hand in his. It had been a long night of driving for the two, and it seemed it was not ending. They had driven around Newport first, checking the beaches, and the pier. They had gone to both Marissa and Luke's house, before deciding that he must have taken a bus to Chino. The house had been first, and then the hospital where Kirsten made the appropriate arrangements for the funeral. They had been driving around for close to four hours, and they were tired, but they would keep driving up to Fresno. For Ryan, because both knew how important this was to him. And right now, they would do anything for him.

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Seth saw his parents pull up and was relieved to see a third head in the car.

"Go pack a bag," his father called out to Ryan. "We'll meet you out here again in twenty minutes." Ryan nodded, and brushed past Seth.

"What's going on?" Seth asked confused.

"We're driving up to Fresno," his mother explained. "Ryan needs to talk to his father."

"Where has he been?"

"In Chino," Sandy said. He ran a hand over his face. "Honey, can you go pack us a bag while I go get a hotel room?"

"Sure," Kirsten said squeezing his hand as she passed to go pack an overnight bag.

"Dad, should I pack?" Seth asked softly. He wasn't sure if he wanted to go or not, so he was leaving it up to his father. If his father said sure, then he would, but if he said that he thought it would be a better idea for Seth to stay home, then, well, that was fine too. Seth had told Ryan once that he wasn't emotionally equipped to handle things, and this was one of those things. While he had been angry that his parents made him stay home while they searched for Ryan, he wouldn't be angry about being left behind this time. Ryan was safe now, he was with Seth's parents and they could be the adults and take care of him. Seth hated sitting around and waiting, and that was what he had been doing, but now he knew that Ryan was okay. There was no need for him to go with Ryan when he had no idea what to say. The last thing that Ryan needed was a quiet and nervous Seth.

"I don't know Seth, I don't know if it's a good idea," Sandy said. "All three of us with him might be too overwhelming for him." Seth nodded and Sandy was surprised with how well he was taking it.

"I'll stay here tonight then, hold down the fort," Seth said. Sandy nodded, gave his son a quick hug, and went to make a hotel reservation.

Kirsten came down the steps a minute later holding two bags in her hand.

"Honey, are you going to be okay here by yourself?" She asked.

"Mom, it's one night. I can't do that much damage in one night." Kirsten gave a small smile and nodded. Ryan reappeared with his bag and managed to give Kirsten and Seth a smile.

"I'm staying behind," Seth told Ryan. "Manning the fort. I know, I know, the fort's for losers, but what can I say, someone has to step up and be a loser, and by God, it will be me."

"Well, you are a loser," Ryan said. "No one is going to deny you that."

"I could only get one hotel room," Sandy said coming out from the office. "I hope you don't mind sharing with us, Ryan." Ryan shook his head, and started out towards the car. Kirsten gave her son a quick hug.

"Call us if you need us," she said kissing his cheek.

"Will do."

"No keggers," Sandy added giving Seth a hug of his own.

"Right. I got it, no keggers. Or coke. Or strippers. Or strippers doing coke. It will be a low key night." Kirsten gave a small laugh, gave Seth one more hug, and followed Ryan out to the car.

"He's going to be okay, right?" Seth asked his dad as soon as his mother had walked away and joined Ryan in the car.

"He's going to be fine," Sandy assured his son. "It's going to be rough for him for awhile, but he has us, and we just have to be there for him." And Seth nodded, and watched as his father climbed into the front seat, and started the car.

He watched as the car backed out of the driveway, and his parents and the boy he had come to think of like a brother drove away. Then Seth turned back around and walked back into the quiet house and called Summer to come keep him company.

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Sandy looked over at his sleeping wife, and glanced in the rearview mirror at Ryan, who had his eyes closed, but Sandy wasn't completely sure that he was actually asleep. Kirsten moaned quietly in her sleep and turned her head so that instead of facing out the window, like it had been, she now faced Sandy.

"Do you ever think about what you would do if you lost her?" Ryan asked softly from the back seat. Sandy glanced behind him surprised.

"What?" He asked. Ryan sighed, and repeated,

"Kirsten, what would you do if you lost her? What would Seth do?" The thought sent a shiver down Sandy's spine and he glanced over at his wife's lovely face. Instinctively, he reached out and ran a hand down her cheek.

"I…" Sandy couldn't even put words to what would happen if something happened to her. "I would…God, I would…I don't think I would survive." Ryan watched his foster father's face as Sandy shook his head, trying to dislodge the thought of losing Kirsten. "Sure, we fight, but she's…she's everything." Sandy glanced in his mirror at Ryan again wondering where that had come from.

"I think that was the problem," Ryan said softly. "My mother was never anyone's everything. My father never loved her enough, Trey never loved her enough…I never loved her enough."

Sandy opened his mouth to say more, to argue that it wasn't Ryan's fault, but Kirsten shifted in her seat and opened one eye.

"Are we almost there?" She asked.

"Yeah," Sandy answered. Kirsten glanced in the back seat where Ryan was now looking out the window. She had missed something, she decided. Some conversation had gone on while she was sleeping, but she wasn't entirely sure about what.

"You okay?" She asked Ryan, who turned to face her and nodded.

"I'm okay," he confirmed, but somehow neither adult was quite buying it.

When they finally pulled up to the hotel in Fresno, Kirsten sleepily went to check them in, leaving Sandy and Ryan to get the bags.

"You loved her," Sandy said as he shut the trunk. "What's enough? She didn't do this because you didn't love her enough. I'm not sure why she did it, kid, but it wasn't your fault. You know that right? It wasn't your fault." Ryan didn't say a word, but followed Sandy and Kirsten into the hotel, and into the elevator.

Kirsten disappeared into the bathroom as soon as they got to the room, and emerged in a nightgown and climbed into the bed that she and Sandy were sharing.

"Goodnight sweetheart," she told Ryan as she burrowed down into the covers.

"Goodnight," he replied. As soon as Sandy was out of the bathroom, he slipped in and splashed cold water on his face.

It wasn't his fault.

Sandy had assured him that, as had Kirsten. And he knew that it wasn't. Not really. His mother had been drinking, and she got depressed when she was drinking. It wasn't his fault. He repeated it like a mantra inside his head. He changed into a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt, and went back out into the room. The curtains were pulled all the way shut, but a sliver of light still managed to get through, and he could see the outlines of Kirsten lying in bed, with Sandy's arm tightly around her waist. He climbed into the other bed and tried to shut his eyes and go to sleep. Repeating to himself over and over, the same words.

It's not your fault.

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Okay, let me know what you thought, and I'll try to get another chapter up after Christmas. My Christmas activities start on Thursday, and I could not be more excited. I freaking love Christmas. It's like the greatest time of the year. Everyone is happy and jolly, and there's eggnog, and Gingerbread, and all the Christmasy goodness that comes with it. Okay, I'm done. Review please and have a great holiday!


	5. Where would we land?

Hey I promised that I wouldn't forget about this one, and I haven't. Here is the next chapter, please review and tell me what you thought of it! Ugh, so how about I'm sick and on antibiotics, which means that I can't drink on New Year's. Well, I can have like one glass of champagne to toast the ringing of the New Year, but as my mother put it, "You can't get rip roaring drunk." Such a bummer. Make me feel better and review! I hope everyone has a wonderful New Year's Eve, and drink for me! Please? I'll live vicariously through you all.

Disclaimer: The characters are not mine.

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The phone in the hotel room rang interrupting all three from their sleep. Kirsten was the closest to the phone so she sleepily reached over to grab it.

"Hello? Okay, thanks." She hung it up, and yawned as she leaned over to turn on a light. "That was the wake up call. Rise and shine boys." Neither boy looked too eager to either rise or shine.

"I'll rise, but I'll be damned if I shine," Sandy muttered as he threw he legs over the side of the bed. "I need coffee. This room came with a coffee maker right?" Kirsten pointed as she closed the bathroom door. Ryan rubbed a hand over his face and sighed. He was certainly not looking forward to the day or task ahead of him.

"You okay kid? Sleep okay?" Sandy as he started to make the coffee.

"I slept fine," Ryan lied. He had tossed and turned the entire night. Sandy knew this already though, because he hadn't been able to sleep very well either, and he and Kirsten heard Ryan the night before.

"Well, good," Sandy said deciding to not call Ryan on his lie. If he was really tired, he could sleep on the way home. By the time the coffee was done, Kirsten emerged from the bathroom with her hair wet.

"Oh, that smells so good," she said breathing in the scent and a smile appeared on her face. "I think that might be what heaven smells like." Ryan couldn't help but smile a little and replied,

"But in heaven you wouldn't need coffee, because no one would wake you up before you were ready to get up." Kirsten nodded.

"Good point. " She poured herself a cup of coffee and then one for Ryan and handed it to him. "Visiting hours start at nine, so that means that we have an hour and a half to be ready." Sandy and Ryan both stared at her with their eyes wide.

"An hour and a half?" Sandy repeated.

"Yes, what's the matter?"

"You woke us up an hour and a half before we needed to leave?" Sandy asked.

"Actually, she woke us up an hour and forty-five minutes before we needed to go," Ryan pointed out. "We've already been up for fifteen minutes."

"Why would you do that?" Sandy asked incredulously. Kirsten looked indignant.

"I didn't know! There's only one bathroom, we'd have to take turns. I wasn't sure how long it would take all of us to get ready with only one bathroom. I wanted to be sure we'd be ready on time."

"Kirsten. It will take Ryan and me a combined total of thirty minutes, showers included, to be ready to go. Wake us up in an hour." Before she could protest, both had already crawled back into bed and turned off the light. Kirsten sighed, grabbed her bag and went into the bathroom to finish getting herself ready at least.

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The ride to the prison was silent. The only sound was the faint sound of the radio, which was turned down so that it was almost completely off, and every so often the GPS navigator's voice telling Sandy where to turn. Kirsten sipped her coffee, and every so often stole a look into the backseat at Ryan. His face remained impassive the entire ride there.

"You don't have to do this," Sandy finally said when they pulled up. "I can go in, or Kirsten can go and tell him. You don't have to."

"Yes I do," Ryan said quietly. "You don't have to come in." Mostly he didn't want Kirsten to be subjected to the catcalls and whistles that would come.

"No, we're going to be with you," Kirsten said and inwardly Ryan sighed.

"Let's go then, get this over with," Ryan said climbing out. Quite frankly, Ryan wasn't the only one worried about taking Kirsten in there with them. Sandy had heard the story of what had happened when Seth and Kirsten went to visit Ryan, and he wasn't really looking forward to an encore. But if he suggested that Kirsten stay back, she would give him that look that told him that there was no way in hell she was staying back. So as they walked through to the visiting center, Sandy kept a protective arm around Kirsten's waist.

Ryan spotted his father right away, and both Cohens knew instantly which one was Ryan's father as well. He looked like Ryan. The three moved through past the other tables to the one that Dave Atwood was sitting at. Dave stood to greet them, and they couldn't miss the grin on his face when he saw his son.

"Ryan," Dave said smiling. "Good to see you." He noticed Kirsten and Sandy and looked at them questioningly.

"I'm Sandy Cohen, and this is my wife Kirsten. Ryan has been staying with us for a little while now," Sandy introduced sticking out his hand for Dave to shake. Kirsten gave a small, nervous smile and shook his hand as well.

"I heard you were living up in Newport," Dave said taking a seat. "I heard your mother and that no good boyfriend of hers kicked you out." He looked back at Kirsten and Sandy. "Thank you for taking care of him. "

"Dad," Ryan spoke up. He really just wanted to get this over with. "I came here for a reason."

"Hey, do you mind giving us a minute?" Dave asked Sandy and Kirsten.

"Sure," Sandy said. "We'll be right over there if you need us." Kirsten leaned down and placed a kiss on his forehead before allowing her husband to lead her away.

"That woman is pretty hot," Dave said watching Kirsten walk away. Ryan closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "The things I could do with her…"

"Dad," he said with a tone that was a mixture of exasperation and disgust.

"Sorry, I haven't seen a woman that good looking in quite some time," Dave said apologetically. He shook his head. "But that was out of line. Sorry. How are they treating you?"

"They're great," Ryan answered truthfully. "I really love my life there."

"Good," Dave said nodding. "Good."

"I came here today to tell you something," Ryan said.

"Yeah?"

"Mom's dead. She killed herself," it came out in one fluid thought and Ryan braced himself for his father's reaction.

"She's dead?" His father asked and he shook his head and Ryan saw a few tears slip down Dave's cheeks. "Son of a bitch. When did this happen?"

"Yesterday," Ryan said. And Dave nodded and blinked back the remaining tears.

"Thanks…for coming up here. For being the one to tell me. "

"I thought I should be the one," Ryan said softly.

"Is there going to be a funeral?" Dave asked.

"Kirsten and Sandy are taking care of it," Ryan said. He hadn't been too happy to hear that Kirsten had already arranged everything and it was paid for. Not that he wanted to arrange it himself, but he didn't want the Cohens to have to pay for it. He knew that he was being ridiculous, that it didn't even make a dent in Kirsten Cohen's bank account, but he still felt like he should be able to pay for his own mother's funeral. "I can have someone let you know when it is?"

"Yeah, yeah, that would be good."

"Hey honey, give us a smile," someone yelled. Kirsten stiffened, and Sandy tightened his hold on her, and Ryan was ready to get out of there. To get Kirsten out of there.

"I guess I should get going," Ryan said standing up. He nodded to Kirsten and Sandy who slowly approached the table.

"It was nice to meet you," Kirsten said politely. Ryan had to bite back a smile. Kirsten was nothing if not polite, even in a prison.

"You too. Thanks again for taking good care of him," Dave said. "And Ry, thanks for coming up and telling me." Ryan nodded. This had been a lot easier than he thought it was going to be. He could almost breathe a sigh of relief. He shook his father's hand one more time, and turned and walked out with Kirsten and Sandy.

Ryan was almost sorry that this part was over, the telling part was done, because that meant that he would have to accept the fact that his mother was dead. Up until that point, he could just focus on telling Trey. Then telling his father. Now that was over, he had to face the fact that his mother had killed herself. He let out a shuddering sigh as they stepped outside into the morning sun.

"Are you okay?" Kirsten asked, her face scrunched in worry and she studied Ryan.

"No," he answered truthfully. "My mother is dead." And much to his chagrin, he began to sob. Kirsten didn't hesitate before wrapping her arms around him and holding him close to her.

"It's going to be okay," she whispered running a hand up and down his back. "We're here for you."

"I'll go get the car," Sandy said, feeling slightly guilty that he was leaving his wife to deal with Ryan's emotional breakdown, but at the same time, she was taking care of it, and he could get the car so that they could go home where Ryan would feel more comfortable. Kirsten nodded, not letting go of Ryan who clung to her shirt.

"I'm sorry," Ryan said trying to regain his composure. He pulled away from Kirsten slightly.

"Oh honey, don't worry about it. When my mother died, I cried for two weeks straight. I couldn't function properly. Sandy had to take care of the house, and Seth, who was only five at the time. I just sat in my bedroom and cried and blamed her for leaving me all alone." Ryan looked up at Kirsten.

"You blamed her? You were angry with her?"

"Oh God yes," Kirsten said running a hand through his hair. "I was so mad at her for leaving me behind. It's okay to be mad at her, Ryan." He sighed and she pulled him back to her again.

"I hate her," Ryan said softly. Kirsten just nodded and held on to him.

"It's okay to hate her," Kirsten murmured. "It's okay to feel that. I promise you it will get easier. You won't feel that way forever." The car pulled up beside them, and Sandy got out as Kirsten pulled away from Ryan who had finally calmed down slightly.

"Hey kid, let's go home?" Sandy said as he opened both doors for his wife and son. Ryan nodded.

"Take the front seat honey," Kirsten offered, but Ryan shook his head and climbed in the back. Kirsten stood briefly wondering if she should get in the back with him, or take the front seat, but she could see that his wall was rebuilding. He was done sharing for the day. So she climbed in the front seat, and Sandy shut the door behind her and went to start the car. She knew that this was just the beginning. Ryan had a lot to deal with, and it wasn't going to be easy or just go away. She sighed inwardly and felt her husband's hand on hers warm and strong, and she knew that it was going to be hard, and they had to make sure that Ryan knew that they were there for him. They only wanted to help him. She wanted him to know that. She wanted him to not blame himself for what happened to his mother. She wanted him to be happy and finally trust his place in the family.

But for now, she just wanted to go home, and was content knowing that she was at least going to get that.

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Okay, so like I said, review and let me know what you thought! Thanks!


	6. You're so strong

Hey! Thanks for reviewing, you guys rock my socks. Really, honestly, you do. So here is the next chapter, please review again and tell me what you thought of this one. It would make me so very happy. I should go read for class, but somehow I think that my time would be better used if I napped instead. Don't you think? Review please!

Disclaimer: Oh the characters are really not mine.

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"_He said, 'Son, grab your things, I've come to take you home.'_" – Peter Gabriel

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Both Kirsten and Ryan were once again fast asleep when Sandy pulled up in front of their house. He stopped the car and paused to look at both of them. After an excruciating silence for about the first twenty minutes of the way home, Ryan announced that he was going to try to get some sleep, pulled on some headphones and said not another word the entire trip. Kirsten began to cry quietly in the seat next to Sandy, and while had held her hand and tried to assure her that things were going to be okay, that now that Ryan had opened up to her, they could all start to move on, she could not be consoled. What he really wanted was to be able to pull her in his arms and hold her, but that was impossible in the car. Besides, she had been trying to hide her tears from Ryan, which had worked simply because he had not opened his eyes or moved in what felt like forever. Finally, Kirsten had tired herself out from crying, and had drifted off to sleep, leaving Sandy once again the only one awake.

Sandy wanted to cry himself, if he was going to be perfectly honest. He had watched Kirsten hold Ryan outside the jail, watched as she tried to calm him down. His heart had broken for both of them, and he knew that the worst was probably still left to come. There was still Dawn's funeral, and of course, they would have to go down to Chino for Ryan to pick up the things of his mother's that he wanted to keep. There was still so much that had to be dealt with.

"Ryan? Kirsten? We're home," he called out softly. Ryan opened his eyes, and slipped off the headphones, the CD that he had been listening to had stopped quite some time ago. Kirsten rubbed her eyes, and Sandy could tell that she had been crying. Her eyes were rimmed red, and she looked completely exhausted, and he knew that Ryan would notice too, but Ryan failed to notice anything. Mainly because he didn't look at either one of them as he climbed out of the car and disappeared into the house.

"God, Sandy," she said placing her head back against the seat. "Will it ever be okay for him? I mean, finally he gets settled and everything is okay, and now this. Why can't everything just be good for him?" Sandy didn't answer, but looked over at the house where Ryan had gone into.

"I don't know sweetheart," Sandy admitted taking her hand into his. He leaned over and placed a soft kiss on her lips. "Let's go inside." She managed a nod and climbed out of the car and gathered her bag and headed into the house. Seth was standing in the doorway when she got in with a perplexed look on his face. She leaned in and gave him a kiss on his cheek.

"Hi sweetie," she said setting her bag down. "What's the matter?" Seth shook his head.

"How was the trip?" He asked instead. Sandy came in behind his wife and also set his bag down next to hers.

"It was…" Sandy struggled for the right word. "Necessary."

"Are you okay?" Kirsten asked again. Seth turned to her.

"Ryan, he just seems more distant now than when you guys left," Seth said shaking his head once more. Kirsten gave her son another hug. "I was just wondering what had happened."

"Ryan talked to his father," Sandy said. "It was just…hard for him. His mother just killed herself Seth, give him some time to cope with it on his own." Seth nodded.

"Oh, the lady from the funeral home called Mom," he said. "She just wanted to double check everything for Thursday." Thursday, Kirsten thought. Two days away. Maybe after that everything could go back to normal.

"How was school today? Did you pick up Ryan's homework for him?" Sandy asked. Seth nodded, happy to switch the topic to something that was easy to deal with.

"Hey, should I go give it to him?" Seth asked. Sandy nodded.

"That's a good idea Seth," Kirsten said smiling at her son. Seth wanted to be able to do something for Ryan, even if it was as stupid and little as giving him the homework that he had missed that day. Seth excused himself and went through the kitchen, grabbing Ryan's school things on his way out.

Nervously, Seth knocked on the pool house door. Ryan pulled the door open a second later.

"I thought it was going to be your mom trying to make me eat something," Ryan said. Seth couldn't hide the small grin that crept on his face. If Ryan was joking around, than everything could be okay. Everything could get better.

"Yes, but as long as it's not something that she's made, I think we can forgive her," Seth said taking a step inside.

"What's up Seth?" Ryan asked.

"I brought home your homework from today," Seth said handing him the bag. "Dr. Kim, in a surprisingly unusual act of kindness, told me to tell you that you can take as much time as you need." Seth shook his head, thinking about how strange it had been to hear such nice words come out of Dr. Kim's mouth.

"Oh," Ryan said. "I was going to go back tomorrow." Seth knew that this was something that Ryan hadn't talked about with his parents yet, because if he had, there was no way that his mother especially would let Ryan go back to school. Sandy had told Seth that Ryan would probably take off the rest of the week, what with the funeral on Thursday and everything.

"But, um, what about Thursday?" Seth asked gently.

"I was going to take a half day Thursday," Ryan said shrugging.

"But…" Seth opened his mouth, but was at a loss to say. He hated being at a loss for words. "Um…sure." This was something that his parents should talk to Ryan about. Not him. Seth wasn't prepared or willing to have this conversation.

"I guess I should get started on this," Ryan said gesturing to the books.

"Sure," Seth repeated. He exited the pool house and found his parents in the kitchen. Ryan was pretending to be fine with everything, but he wasn't really fine, right? His mother had just died, and he just had to see his father for the first time in years. Ryan had to be upset about all of it. So why was he pretending that it didn't matter? That he was just going to go back to school the next day and everything would be okay again?

"Hey, we were thinking Thai tonight for dinner," Kirsten said as she pulled the menu out of the drawer.

"Right," Seth said distractedly.

"Seth?" Sandy asked and Seth's attention snapped back to his parents.

"It's just…well, Ryan wants to go back to school tomorrow," Seth said sighing. His mother and father exchanged a look, and his father sighed, and ran a hand through his hair.

"Do you want to go talk to him? Or do you want me to?" Sandy asked.

"I'll go talk to him," Kirsten said. Earlier, Sandy had congratulated her on getting Ryan to open up when they were at the prison. Kirsten argued that it was just that she happened to be standing there and not Sandy. It had nothing to do with which one Ryan felt more comfortable with; it was just a matter of being in the right place at the right time. Still, he had opened up to her once, and if there was a chance that he would do it again, it was worth sending Kirsten in.

Getting a cup of tea, Kirsten carefully made her way out to the pool house, and knocked lightly on the door.

"Hey," she said smiling at him when he opened it up.

"Hi Kirsten," Ryan said.

"I brought you tea," she said holding it up as a peace offering. "I thought we could talk?"

"Um…I have a lot of homework to do," he said gesturing behind him. The very last thing that he wanted to do was talk.

"Well, it can wait, can't it?" She gave him a gentle smile. She stepped inside and handed him the cup of tea. Kirsten wasn't exactly sure how to approach the subject with Ryan subtly, so she finally decided to just be blunt about it. "Listen Ryan, Sandy and I think that it would be best to take the rest of the week off school."

"I want to go back tomorrow," he said determinedly.

"We…Ryan, you need to take some time…"

"Why? So I can sit around and think about how my mother killed herself? How much she must have hated us to do this to us? At least at school, I can try to think about something else." Kirsten's face registered her surprise at his outburst, and he immediately felt guilty. She recovered quickly though.

"I think we should make you an appointment to talk to someone about this," she finally said.

"Kirsten…"

"No, no arguing with me," she said firmly. "When my mother died, I shut down. I pretended that everything was fine, and it wasn't, and I was withdrawing into myself. I wouldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, and I wasn't taking care of myself or Seth. Finally Sandy made an appointment and dragged me there against my will. And it helped honey, it helped so much." He opened his mouth to argue, but she grabbed his hand to silence him. "I love you, and I can see that you're hurting, and I can also see that you either won't or can't talk to me or Sandy about this. I don't want you to hurt anymore." Her eyes glistened with unshed tears, and Ryan wanted to argue with her, but he found his resolve weakening. Kirsten rarely cried, and he knew that she had been crying on the way home. Because of him. And that was completely unacceptable.

"Okay," he finally said. "I'll try." She gave him a smile and pulled him in for a hug.

"I'll make you an appointment," she told him and gave him a kiss on his cheek. "But you aren't going to school tomorrow. You and I will go see a movie and get some lunch."

"No, Kirsten…"

"No, it'll help take your mind off of things. We wouldn't want you flunking because you weren't paying attention in class. Maybe we can even talk Sandy into taking some time off and coming with us." Ryan knew better than to argue, and just nodded. "I'll call you in for dinner."

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"Great dinner Mom, even if you didn't actually make it," Seth said as they were finishing up eating. Ryan had emerged from the pool house and had eaten with them. Granted, he was quieter than usual, which meant that he said barely a single word, but he still appeared. And that was something.

"Hey Ryan? Some Playstation?" Seth suggested.

"No, thanks, I think I'm going to go read," Ryan said politely.

"Okay, but you know where to find me," Seth told him. Ryan nodded, and disappeared out of the door. "I'm trying to show him that I'm here for him without being overbearing, how do you think I'm doing?"

"Wonderfully," Kirsten said smiling at him. Seth beamed and announced that he was going to finish some of his homework, and disappeared from the kitchen.

"So how did it go in there with him?" Sandy asked gesturing to the pool house. Kirsten gave a little shrug.

"I told him that he wasn't going to school tomorrow and that we would make an appointment for him to see someone. I told him that I needed to talk to someone after my mother died, and that we would feel better if he talked to someone too." Sandy nodded.

"So a successful conversation?" Sandy asked with a small smile.

"Well, I guess it wasn't really a conversation," Kirsten said shrugging. "More like me telling him what was going to happen."

"Are we going to make an appointment with Dr. Gregory?" Sandy asked thinking about after Kirsten's mother died. He had finally had enough and dragged her to the car. She had wept silently the whole way there, but it had made a world of difference. Dr. Gregory had been great with Kirsten, and then they had taken Seth to see him when he was having problems in ninth grade, and Seth had loved him too.

"Of course, can we see if we can get an appointment tomorrow if it's at all possible?"

"I'll see what I can do," Sandy told her leaning and giving her a soft kiss. Kristen walked over to the counter and began flipping through the mail.

Ryan would go talk to Dr. Gregory, and the funeral would be over on Thursday, and then could all work on moving on. For the first time in two days, Kirsten felt hope. And while she knew it was a dangerous thing to hope, she couldn't help it. She felt optimistic.

Maybe if they could make it through this, they could come out stronger. Just maybe.

* * *

Okay, so that might be a little bit foreboding, but who knows right? Well, I guess I know. And you will too, if you review and tell me what you thought. Okay? Awesome. 


	7. So what if you catch me?

Hey! Thanks so much for the reviews, could you do it again? So I partied way too hard last night, and I'm still paying for it mid afternoon. Oh well, it was definitely worth it…anyway, here's the next chapter. Please let me know what you thought of it. Thanks!

* * *

_Have you ever been in therapy? No? You should try it. It's like a really easy game show where the correct answer to every question is: "Because of my mother." – Robin Greenspan_

* * *

The next morning, Sandy knocked on the pool house door.

"Hey kid," he said brightly. "I hope you don't mind hanging with the oldies today." Ryan managed a small smile. "Kirsten said to let you pick out the movie."

"Really, we don't have to go see a movie or anything," Ryan tried.

"Nonsense. We haven't gone to see a really good movie in awhile," Sandy said waving his hand. "So, um the itinerary…we thought that we would get some lunch, then we made you an appointment with Dr. Gregory, and then we'll go see that movie." Ryan felt relieved that they had decided on the movie after his appointment with the therapist. No one talked in a movie, not even Sandy talked through movies. That meant two hours of silence. Ryan knew that they were going to make him an appointment, but he hadn't been aware that it was going to be so soon.

"Oh," he said. He saw that Sandy's face was nervous, waiting for his reaction, and he decided that it wasn't worth it to argue. They were going to make him go, whether or not he liked the idea. "Okay."

"Great, can you be ready in like twenty minutes?" Sandy asked.

"Sure," Ryan nodded.

"Great," Sandy said again. That must be the word of the day, Ryan thought to himself. "I'm going to go make sure that Kirsten can be ready in twenty minutes. I mean, I'm thinking that she should because she's been in that bathroom for some time already, but you never know." Sandy shook his head perplexed, and Ryan gave him a small smile.

"I'll be ready," he assured Sandy and Sandy left the pool house and Ryan sighed and threw himself back on the bed.

Therapy.

No one he knew in Chino went to therapy. Therapy in Chino was punching someone who pissed you off. Now that was therapeutic. And Atwoods especially didn't do therapy. There was no talking about problems in the Atwood house. There generally wasn't a lot of talking period in the Atwood house.

But he wasn't in the Atwood house, he was in the Cohen house, and he had learned quickly that the Cohens liked to talk. About everything. And nothing, depending on if you were talking to Seth.

Therapy.

Well, there was a first time for everything. And if it would make Kirsten and Sandy happy, then Ryan could try it out. After all, both Kirsten and Sandy had taken the day off to take him out to lunch and a movie to get his mind off of his mother. The least he could do would be to not be a brat about something that they asked of him. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad. Maybe it would actually help.

He finished getting ready and went into the main house. Sandy was finishing his cup of coffee.

"Kirsten promised," Sandy said smiling at Ryan. "She has three minutes. Ten dollars says she can't do it." Ryan actually laughed, and Sandy relished in the sound.

"I don't know," Ryan said. "She can do anything that she puts her mind to." Slightly out of breath, Kirsten emerged in the kitchen two minutes and forty-five seconds later, and smirked at Sandy.

"Ready to go?" She asked sweetly.

"Honey, I am amazed," Sandy said looking at his watch. "You had fifteen seconds to spare!" Kirsten shot him a glare and hooked her arm in Ryan's.

"Have you decided on a movie?" She asked ignoring her husband. Ryan shrugged.

"I figured I'd pick when I got there," he said.

"That's what I always say!" Sandy said excitedly. "But then someone always gets mad at me, always has to know exactly what's happening at exactly what time."

"Oh, do you want me to figure it out ahead of time?" Ryan asked Kirsten. She threw her head back and laughed.

"Oh sweetie, he's talking about Seth."

* * *

Lunch had gone too quickly for Ryan's liking. Normally that was a good thing. Normally it meant that he was comfortable and having a good time. And it had been a good time. Sandy was telling Ryan the story of how he and Kirsten met, with Kirsten interjecting her side every so often, and Ryan had laughed at the appropriate parts, and sided with Kirsten when needed.

"She was the most beautiful woman in the room," Sandy said. "Everyone wanted her." Kirsten had blushed and focused on her salad, as her husband's gaze never left her face. Sandy took her hand in his and smiled at her. "And I could never understand how I had gotten so lucky as to be the one who got to dance with her that night. I never knew why she wanted to dance with me."

"You asked," Kirsten responded quietly. "And I said yes because you were sweet. You were a gentleman about it. And I knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you when you stepped on my foot and apologized for two songs straight." Ryan watched his foster parents as they leaned in and gave each other a soft kiss.

Had his father loved his mother like that? He didn't even know the story of how they met. Had his father asked his mother to dance? Had he apologized for stepping on her toes? Had his mother looked at his father like Kirsten was looking at Sandy?

Had his mother ever been young and happy and in love?

Had she ever been happy at all?

"Anyway, the next day I showed up at her dorm room with a bouquet of lilies, her favorite flower according to her roommate, a frighteningly butch blonde named Lola, and I told her that I knew that I didn't know her, but I wanted to, and if that was okay, could I take her out to dinner?" Ryan laughed and looked to Kirsten to fill in the rest of the story.

"I said of course, but lilies weren't my favorite flower, daffodils were," she laughed at the memory. She shook her head and smiled at her foster son.

When the check came, Ryan felt a sense of dread in his stomach. He knew what came next. Therapy. Talking.

"You ready kid?" Sandy asked as they stood up from the table and started towards the car. Ryan looked like he was going to bolt, and Kirsten placed a calming hand on his back.

"It's okay, we'll be in the waiting room the whole time, if you want to leave, you just tell us," she assured him. "This isn't punishment, this is supposed to help you." He nodded, he had heard the speech. They had given it to him on the way to the restaurant.

It wasn't punishment, Kirsten had stressed. They were doing this for him. They all climbed into Sandy's car and Ryan shifted uncomfortably in the backseat.

"Do you want the front seat?" Kirsten offered. Ryan shook his head. He had reverted to silence, and Kirsten knew that Dr. Gregory would have to work his magic to get Ryan to open up again. The restaurant was only about ten minutes away from the doctor's office, and Ryan wished that Sandy would just keep driving straight when they reached the place to turn in. The three made their way into the building in silence, and Kirsten went up to the front desk and announced that they were there to see Dr. Gregory. A door behind them opened a few minutes later and an older man stepped out and smiled at Kirsten and Sandy.

"Kirsten," he said. "How are you?"

"I'm good," she nodded.

"Good, and Seth?"

"He's good. He has a girlfriend now, and he's fitting in much better," she reported. Dr. Gregory smiled.

"You must be Ryan," he said extending his hand for Ryan to shake. Ryan nodded, but said nothing. "Why don't we step in my office? Kirsten, Sandy, you guys can just wait out here." Ryan swallowed hard and followed Dr. Gregory into the office, he shot one more nervous glance back to Kirsten and Sandy before the door shut behind him. Kirsten sighed, and Sandy placed an arm around her and kissed the side of her head.

"I feel like we just sent him off to be executed," Kirsten said. Sandy had to laugh a little at that statement, and the fact that from the look on Ryan's face, Ryan probably thought the same thing.

"How'd it go?" Kirsten asked when Ryan appeared an hour later.

"Did you talk?" Sandy asked at the same time. Kirsten smacked him on the shoulder.

"Sandy!" Dr. Gregory smiled at the couple.

"He did very well for his first time," he assured them. "I'll see you next week, Ryan. It was very nice meeting you." He disappeared back into the office, and Kirsten and Sandy both looked at him expectantly.

"So that movie?" Ryan asked grabbing his jacket and leading the way out of the office. Kirsten and Sandy exchanged a look, but followed after him.

* * *

When they got to the movie theater, Ryan picked a movie that he knew that Kirsten would like. It didn't matter to him. He knew that he wouldn't be able to focus on the movie anyway.

_"You blame yourself for your mother's death?" Dr. Gregory asked. _

_"No," Ryan maintained, but he saw Dr. Gregory's disbelieving look and finally conceded. "Maybe. A little." _

_"Why?"_

_"Shouldn't you be telling me?" Ryan asked almost rudely. He cringed inwardly, thinking about how much this meant to Kirsten and Sandy. How much they were probably paying for it. _

_"No, you tell me. Why do you blame yourself for your mother's death?"_

"Ryan? Do you want some popcorn?" Kirsten's voice broke through his thoughts.

"Sure," he said shrugging.

"I'm going to go get us seats," Kirsten said.

"Okay, honey, what do you want?" Sandy asked.

"Just a water?" She shrugged and walked towards the theater and Sandy shook his head and laughed.

"She says that now, but if I go in there with popcorn and a Pepsi, you better believe she's going to steal them." Ryan shared a smile with his foster father, knowing that was true. Kirsten always ordered a very minuscule amount of food, but ended up eating from everyone else. He had learned very quickly to order more food than he actually wanted, because without a doubt Kirsten was going to steal from his plate. They ordered the food, and went back to find Kirsten in the movie theater. Since it was the middle of the day it was fairly empty in the theater. Sandy handed her water, and winked knowingly at Ryan as he placed down his own jumbo popcorn and Pepsi. Ryan sat back against his seat and the movie theater darkened, and he could hear nothing but the conversation repeating in his head.

_"Because…I could have stopped her somehow. I could have made sure that she knew that I loved her and…"_

_"What Ryan?" Dr. Gregory asked gently. _

_"Needed her still," he said quietly. "Maybe if I hadn't left her..." This guy was good. He was getting him to admit things that he hadn't wanted to admit. _

_"You didn't leave her," Dr. Gregory said. "She left you. You didn't go to the Cohens by choice."_

_"But I didn't put a fight when she left!" Ryan argued. "I just let her walk out." _

_"Ryan, it's not your fault that she left. It's not your fault that she killed herself. It's not your fault. There were probably a number of reasons compounded on top of each other to make your mother do what she did, and you weren't one of those reasons. Do you believe that she loved you?" Ryan shrugged. Did he believe that his mother had loved him? She said in her suicide note that she did. And hadn't she left him with the Cohens because she loved him? Because she wanted something better for him? _

_Or was it selfish reasons that made her leave her son with strangers?_

_"I hate her," Ryan said quietly. He had admitted it to Kirsten, but he was still surprised that he admitted it again._

_"That's perfectly acceptable," Dr. Gregory said. "I'd actually be worried if you didn't hate her for what she did." _

Next to him, Kirsten sniffled, and he glanced over at her, as Sandy slipped his arm around her and pulled her close to him. Sandy shared an amused glance with Ryan, almost as if to say, "women." Ryan turned his attention back to the movie, trying desperately to pay attention to it.

_"But I shouldn't hate her. She's dead."_

_"Yes. She is."_

_"But I should…be thinking good things about her. I should be thinking how much I miss her and loved her, and not how much I hate her," Ryan argued. He was amazed that he was actually opening up to this guy. He was amazed that he actually felt better talking about it. Talking about it to someone who wouldn't judge him, who wouldn't give him looks of pity when they thought he wasn't looking. He couldn't talk to Sandy and Kirsten because he didn't want anything about the way they thought about him to change. _

_"I think before you can do anything, before you can start to think about the good things about her, before you can move on, you need to forgive your mother," Dr. Gregory paused. "And yourself." _

"That was such a good movie," Kirsten said wiping her eyes. She stood up and Sandy helped her put on her jacket. "Good pick Ryan." He just shrugged. He hadn't really watched any of it. If Kirsten was to ask him what the main characters name was, he probably couldn't tell her. He followed his foster parents out of the theater, and blinked in the harsh sunlight.

"Should we stop and pick up something for dinner?" Sandy asked.

"Call Seth, see what's he in the mood for," Kirsten instructed. She placed an arm around Ryan's shoulders. "Thank you."

"For what?" He asked confused.

"For agreeing to today. I know I didn't leave you any choice, and I know that you did it for me, and I just wanted to say thank you."

"Mexican," Sandy reported when he closed his phone. And Ryan climbed into the car, and thought about forgiving his mother. Forgiving himself.

After the funeral, he decided. Maybe after the funeral he could move on and forgive her.

Just maybe.

* * *

Okay, let me know what you thought of this chapter. I'm off to finally be productive and get ready for the day...yeah, I had a rough night last night. Make me feel better! Review! 


	8. And this life and work

Okay, so here's the next chapter. Let me know what you think. I used two quotes this time, and both from _Memento_ which, if you've never seen it, completely awesome. I thought that they both worked, and liked them both, and couldn't pick between…so…please review! It will make my day! And you'd want to do that right? Awesome. Enjoy!

Disclaimer: Alas, the characters are not mine. Neither is the word alas, it probably belongs to Webster.

* * *

_Memory can change the shape of a room; it can change the color of a car. And memories can be distorted. They're just an interpretation, they're not a record, and they're irrelevant if you have the facts. – Memento_

* * *

_Some memories are best forgotten- Memento_

* * *

Kirsten's hand was firmly secured on Ryan's back, and for that he was grateful. He was flanked on either side by Kirsten and Sandy, with Seth trailing slightly behind as they walked into the funeral home. Because Kirsten had planned it, everything looked perfect. Beautiful arrangements of flowers sat near the casket, and Ryan cringed to think how much those cost. He was fairly certain that they had all come from the Cohens. Maybe Theresa and her family had sent one, but other than that, he doubted any one had really taken the time and money to send his mother flowers.

"You okay?" Sandy asked softly as they made their way to sit in the front. Ryan nodded numbly as the four stood in a stoic line in front of the casket waiting for others to come. His father and his escort arrived first. Dave wrapped his arms around his son.

"How are you doing Ry?"

"I'm okay," Ryan told him. It was his standard reply for the day. Okay. It was the perfect answer. No explanation involved. He was just okay.

"It'll be good to see your brother again," Dave said. Yeah, both father and son in handcuffs at a funeral for their mother/ex-wife, what a great reunion, Ryan thought bitterly. But he just nodded, and Dave moved down the line to greet Sandy and Kirsten. Trey walked in next, also with a guard, and he gave Ryan a short nod of the head, and Ryan noticed that his older brother was trying very hard not to cry, which surprised Ryan, although he wasn't entirely sure why.

"These are the Cohens," Ryan introduced. "Sandy, Kirsten, and Seth, this is my brother Trey." Sandy shook his hand, and then Kirsten clasped it in her tiny one and gave him a warm smile.

"It's great to meet you finally," she said. "I just wish it was under better circumstances." Trey nodded and thanked her, and came to his father.

"Dad," Trey said coolly.

"Hey Trey," their father replied. He went to wrap his arms around him, but Trey moved back from him. Clearly, Trey hadn't forgiven their father for getting arrested. Ryan wasn't sure he had either, but he figured that they would make some sort of treaty to get through the funeral.

Trey shot his father a look and went to sit down. Ryan sighed and shook his head slightly and watched as a few more people trickled in. He had been right, Theresa and her mother were there, along with a few more of their neighbors from Chino. Not a great showing, but there were at least some people there.

Ryan hated to make another comparison to his mother and Kirsten, but he watched her warmly greet people that she had never met, had nothing in come with, and he couldn't help but think how many people would have come if it had been her funeral. They probably wouldn't have been able to fit all the mourners in this room. And the place would be flooded from the amount of tears that Sandy and Seth, and even, he had to admit, he himself would cry over her. How different both the lives of his mother and Kirsten were, and how different even their deaths would be. The same comparison could be made to his father and Sandy. Trey and Seth even. Even death favored the wealthy.

That wasn't fair, he decided, shaking his head. Kirsten took his hand in hers and gave it a squeeze and he shot her a grateful look. Just as they were about to sit down and start, the doors flew open and AJ, drunk and looking quite pissed off, came barreling down the aisle towards the Cohens and Ryan.

"AJ," Ryan said calmly, feeling Kirsten's hand warm and reassuring still in his.

"You little shit, you thought that I didn't deserve to know about the funeral? I loved her!" AJ grabbed Ryan by the collar, and both his father and Trey jumped to their feet, but were stopped by their respective escorts.

"Why don't you let him go?" Kirsten suggested, trying to remain calm. AJ turned to her, his eyes flashing with anger, and let go of Ryan and took a step closer to Kirsten. In turn, Sandy also took a step closer to his wife, ready to interfere if need be. AJ reached out and ran a hand over her face, and Kirsten cringed.

"Don't touch her," Ryan said angrily.

"Listen," Sandy was trying to be the voice of reason here, but he really didn't like the way that AJ was touching and looking at his wife. In fact, it was taking every ounce of strength in his body not to clock the guy. "I understand that you want to be here, but you need to sit down. If touch either one of them again I will have someone remove you." Sandy's arm clamped down on AJ's hand as it stretched out towards Kirsten again. His other hand had found hers and was holding on tightly. He remembered the first time that they had met AJ, when he had thrown the bottle across the room. He remembered stories that Ryan had told about him. How he would hit both Ryan and Dawn. This guy had no boundaries, and Sandy was not about to let him near his wife, or his son for that matter.

"Fine," AJ said pulling his hand back like a reprimanded child. He shot one more look in Kirsten and Ryan's direction and collapsed into a seat in the third row as far away as he could get from everybody else. Ryan let out a breath that he hadn't been aware that he was holding and went to sit down with the Cohens. He hadn't wanted a minister, because they had never been very religious and he thought that would have been just a little hypocritical, so Kirsten had gotten the funeral director to hold the service for them.

Ryan vaguely listened to him talk about his mother, and he found it ironic that he kept referring to her as a good person. A good mother, a beloved wife. All words that he wouldn't have normally associated with his mother.

But there had been some good times. He had to search hard, but they were there, buried beneath years of alcohol and abuse. When they lived in Fresno, things had been good. Ryan tried to recall a positive image of his mother.

He owed her that at least.

* * *

_Dawn came into the boys' bedroom, and six-year-old Ryan pretended to be asleep. She had told them to turn off the lights awhile ago, but he had snuck a flashlight under his covers and had been playing with his legos. He just wasn't tired, and Trey had snuck out the window, placing some pillows and wadded up blankets under his covers to make it look like he was still there. At eleven, Trey was already starting to rebel against his parents, and the fact that he shared a room with his six year old brother was a source of great irritation to him. Ryan couldn't sleep without Trey there. It wasn't because he was a baby like Trey said, it really wasn't, there was just something comforting about hearing his brother breathing across the room. Dawn opened the door and peeked her head in. She walked over to Ryan and brushed some of the hair off of his face. _

_"Sleep tight my baby boy," she whispered and leaned down and placed a kiss on his head. She went to cross over to check on Trey, but decided against it, knowing that if he knew she was checking up on him he would likely blow a gasket. But Dawn liked to come in and check on her sons. One of her neighbors had a baby that died of SIDS and had been right after Ryan was born. Dawn checked his crib every five minutes. She slept with the used baby monitor that Dave had gotten from somewhere, she was pretty sure that he had stolen it, but she had never confronted him about it, as high as it would go. And even after Ryan was out of the crib, Dawn would make it a habit to stop in and check. _

_Check to see that they were still there. That they were still breathing. _

_That they were real. _

_Dawn knew that her sons were the best thing that ever happened to her, and she was trying her very hardest to not to screw it up. She knew that she didn't tell them enough that she loved them, she didn't hug them enough, she didn't kiss them enough, but if she did, Dave would yell at her._

"_Stop coddling them," he would reprimand her. She walked back over to Ryan, placed one more kiss on his forehead and closed the door lightly behind her and walked out into the living room where her husband was. Ryan smiled and touched the place where his mother had kissed his forehead. She was never very affectionate. He slipped out of bed and quietly opened the door and snuck out and followed his mother. She had gone into the living room where his father was watching the news. _

"_What are they talking about?" His mother asked gesturing to the news story and sitting down next to his father. _

"_Oh, some wife of a really rich guy up in Newport died of cancer," Dave said. "They're talking about the funeral." Dawn sighed._

"_Look how many people are there," she said wistfully. "Think that many people will be at my funeral?"_

"_Jesus, Dawn, what kind of question is that?" Dave asked shaking his head. Ryan wanted to climb into his mother's lap. He wanted to tell her that there would be a gazillion people at her funeral, and that they would cry like the people on the news were crying for this lady. _

* * *

"Thank you so much for coming," Kirsten said shaking Theresa's mother's hand. Ryan had to smile at the sharp contrast in looks between the two women that were the closest things to good examples of mothers he had. Kirsten was blonde, delicate, elegant, and Eva was dark, sturdy, soft.

"I'm so sorry," Theresa said wrapping her arms around Ryan.

"Thanks," he mumbled hugging her back. He just wanted this day to be over. He wanted to stop thinking about his mother, both good and bad. He just wanted to get on with his life. He spotted AJ walking out the back and he let out a sigh of relief.

* * *

_"Ryan, Trey, this is AJ," Dawn introduced proudly. Trey sneered, and Ryan looked down at the ground. He wondered if this one would stick around any longer than the last couple had. "AJ, these are my kids, Trey and Ryan." _

_"Hey babe," AJ completely ignored the two surly teenagers sitting on the couch. Ryan was thirteen, and Trey had was eighteen, and legally an adult, as he so liked to remind his little brother. "Do you have any…" He trailed off remembering the kids. _

_"Yeah," Dawn said. She turned to her sons. "We'll be in my room." She and AJ disappeared down the hall and Trey let out a bitter laugh when she was gone. _

_"So that's her new guy? Winner, that one is," Trey said sarcastically. "Hey, I'm getting out of here. Want to come?" Ryan nodded and grabbed his shoes, show one more look back at his mother's closed door, and followed his brother out of the house. _

_It was late by the time that they came back in. Trey hushed his brother as they opened the door and gently closed it again._

_"Where the hell have you been?" Dawn's voice sliced across the silence, and both Trey and Ryan winced at the sound. Beer bottles were scattered around the living room and she was most definitely on something. _

_"We went to Arturo's," Trey said finally. _

_"It's almost two in the morning!"_

_"So good of you to notice," Trey said defiantly. "It's nice to know that our mother isn't so out of it that she doesn't notice her sons are gone." _

_"Don't talk to her like that," AJ appeared in the doorway and crossed over to Trey and grabbed his arm. "Apologize to her." _

_"Get off me," Trey growled. Ryan shrank back against the closed door._

_"Apologize to her," AJ repeated. He practically threw Trey over to where Dawn was standing. Dawn crossed her arms and looked down at her fallen son. Trey stood, but said nothing._

_"We're sorry we stayed out late," Ryan said desperately. _

_"We're not talking to you," AJ told Ryan. Trey stayed silent, and AJ approached him again._

_"Mom, we're sorry," Ryan tried. AJ turned around and backhanded Ryan who stumbled back surprised. He looked to his mother, expecting her to say something. Anything. He wanted her to step in and tell him to get off her sons, one of whom AJ was now pummeling. Ryan grabbed AJ's arm to stop him from hitting Trey again, and AJ just turned around and hit Ryan again. _

_And all through this, Ryan kept looking to where his mother stood, wanting her to stop it. _

_But she did nothing. _

* * *

"Ready to go kid?" Sandy asked. Ryan nodded, and looked at his mother's casket.

"Want us to leave you alone for a minute?" Kirsten asked, and Ryan nodded grateful for her. Sandy took Kirsten's hand and led her out of the room, Seth trailing behind slightly.

Ryan approached the coffin slowly. His father and Trey had left already, escorted back to prison. It was just him now. He placed a hand on the top of the coffin and felt hot tears in his eyes threatening to fall.

"I hated you," he spoke softly. "And I loved you. And now…I hope you're somewhere where you are happy. I just wanted to say that. That I hope you are happy. And to tell you thank you. For leaving me with the Cohens. I know that must have been hard for you. Or at least, I hope that it was hard for you, I guess. I don't know…" He ran a hand through his hair, and sighed. He stood there in silence for a moment thinking about what to say. There were so many things that he wanted to say, but he wasn't entirely sure on how exactly to say it. And he wasn't too keen on staying in there alone with his mother's dead body. Instead, Ryan kissed the tip of his fingers and placed them on the coffin.

"Goodbye," he whispered before turning around and heading out to meet the Cohens. Kirsten gave him a warm smile when he stepped out.

"Ready to go sweetheart?" She asked gently.

"Yeah, let's go home," he replied.

* * *

I think there will probably be at least another chapter after this one. Provided, of course, that you are still interested in it. Let me know! I'm off to bed, I have an early class in the morning. Nuts. I'm thinking of skipping though…probably shouldn't. Anyway, leave me a message. 


	9. The sun shall see it's light

Okay, so I hope that you enjoy this chapter, and please let me know what you think! It would totally make my day. You guys are so super duper awesome!

Disclaimer: The characters are not mine.

* * *

Ryan woke up and it hit him like a ton of bricks.

He had buried his mother.

Sighing, he ran a hand over his head and threw his legs over the side of the bed. He was starting to get the sinking feeling that this was not going to get any easier any time soon. He heard a knock on the door and found Kirsten standing there nervously holding two cups of steaming tea in her hands.

"Good morning sweetie," she said smiling at him. "Sleep okay?" She was always so worried. About Seth, and Sandy. And him. She was worried about him too. It was hard to wrap his mind around. He had never had it before.

"Um, yeah, okay." So, that wasn't completely the truth. So he had tossed and turned quite a bit during the night, but he had fallen asleep eventually, and he had slept from that point on. Well, he had sort of slept from that point on. Anyway, it wasn't worth it to add him not sleeping to the list of things that Kirsten was worrying about at that point.

"I brought you some tea," she said holding out the cup for him to take.

"Thanks," Ryan gave her a small smile, and she smiled broadly in return.

"So I was thinking…" Kirsten started looking around the pool house. "Maybe it's time that you moved into the main house." Ryan almost dropped the cup of tea. She wanted him to move into the house? "I know that this is more private, and since I was a teenager myself once, I know that the thought of being under parent supervision when you can have the freedom of a pool house where you can sneak in and out much easier is not exactly thrilling, but…" She trailed off, and looked as if she was trying to decide what to say. "I really want you in the house. With us. With me. I'd feel so much better if all three of my boys were inside." She paused and studied his face. Ryan didn't know what to say. She had called him one of her boys. She had called him hers.

"Uh…" He knew she was waiting for him say something, anything really, but he didn't know what to say.

"It's okay, you don't have to decide right away, I mean you can think about it. And if it's stupid than, you know, just tell me, you don't have to. I mean really, it's up to you. So think about it, and then get back to me." She was rambling now. She always argued that it was Sandy that Seth had gotten his habit of rambling from, but the truth was that Kirsten could ramble with the best of them when she got started. She turned to leave, and Ryan stopped her.

"Kirsten?"

"Yes?" She spun back around and waited for whatever it was he was going to say.

"I would love to move into the house."

* * *

Sandy and Kirsten had decided that therapy was good for him, and that he should keep going. Ryan wouldn't admit it to them, but they were right. And he knew that if he told them that they were right, Sandy would do his "I'm right" dance, and Kirsten would get that smug look on her face. Then they would hold it over his head, reminding him any time that he forgot that they were right and they usually were, and if both their sons would just listen to them, then they wouldn't get into nearly as much trouble as they do.

So under no circumstances could he admit that they had been right.

He had therapy twice a week, and while they had talked about his mother the first couple sessions, they had now moved on to the Cohens.

"Do you love them?" Dr. Gregory asked. Ryan considered this for a moment. Did he love them? In his experience, loving someone only led to being hurt. Marissa. His father. His mother.

His mother. He had loved his mother, and look where that had gotten him.

"Yes," Ryan admitted softly. He did love the Cohens. He hadn't ever said those words to them, but he did.

"Do you believe them when they tell you that they love you?" Dr. Gregory pressed. That was just as tricky. Sandy was very affectionate. Actually even more so than Kirsten. Sandy was always telling them that he loved them. He was always ruffling their hair or hugging them. Ryan thought sometimes that perhaps Sandy just threw around the words without ever considering the meaning behind them, but he noticed it was just with the three of them that he used the words.

No, Sandy meant the words; he just made sure that those who he loved knew it. He made sure that his wife and sons never doubted for a moment how he felt about them.  
Kirsten was more hesitant with both affection and the words, so Ryan had learned that when Kirsten showed affection or words, she meant it.

And Seth. Well, he was Seth. Goofy, considerate, sometimes selfish, Seth. Did Seth love him? Or was Seth just so desperate for a friend or companionship that it didn't matter if it was Ryan or someone else? Did Seth really consider him a brother?

"Yes," Ryan answered finally. "I believe that they think they love me."

"They think they love you?"

"I mean, they love me. But love doesn't…my mother, she said that she loved me, and maybe she did, but that didn't mean that she would be there for me. That didn't mean anything really. They were just words."

"You really think to the Cohens, those are just words?" The question caught Ryan off guard, and finally he shook his head.

"No," he said. "But…I'm not used to it. I'm not used to relying on anyone, or trusting anyone."

"I know it's hard, but they love you Ryan. They want you to move into the house with them, they want to be there for you, and all you have to do is trust them. I know, much easier said then done, but try it out. Maybe they'll be like everyone else and just let you down, but since I know them, and they're not like that, I don't think that will be the case. Maybe they'll mess up, but they're human and this parenting thing doesn't exactly come with a manual. If you give them a chance, things will only get better." He paused and gave Ryan a wry smile. "Trust me."

* * *

The day that Ryan moved into the house was chaotic. It shouldn't have been, really. It was just a matter of Ryan taking the stuff that was in the pool house over into the room next to Seth's.

This was not difficult. Or shouldn't have been at least. And yet, somehow, it was.

Kirsten had, against Ryan's wishes, ordered all new furniture for his room, and it had only come the morning that Ryan was moving in. He tried to tell Kirsten that this wasn't a big deal, that he could just wait until the next day to move in, but nothing with Kirsten could be easy.

"Don't even bother son," Sandy warned him. "Once she has an itinerary in her head, she's going to stick with it. This should be easy, and yet with my wife, it is not."

So Ryan was moving in right after the furniture was done being set up, and while this was happening, Kirsten was placing things in boxes being ready to be moved into the house. She had hired movers. She had actually hired movers to come in and move everything.

"I can move it myself. Sandy can help, and Seth," Ryan argued.

"Whoa, no Seth. Seth does not participate in manual labor," Seth said looking up after hearing his name.

"It's just easier this way," Kirsten said shrugging. Ryan could never understand some of the things that they spent their money on. What was the point if he could do it himself? But as Sandy had told him numerous times: there was just no arguing with her.

After everything was moved in, Ryan began put it away as the three Cohens lounged around his new bedroom. Sandy and Kirsten were on the bed, leaning against the headboard with Sandy's arm wrapped around her. Seth was sitting at the desk setting up the computer for Ryan, as Ryan hung up the clothes in the closet.

"It looks good in here kid," Sandy commented looking around.

"Thanks to Kirsten," Ryan said and Kirsten smiled.

"You picked out the color and the furniture," she told him. "It was a combined effort." Ryan nodded, and picked up a picture frame out of the box. It was the Christmukkah photo. He smiled and placed it on top of the dresser. Turning around, he looked at the family. Kirsten was laughing at something that Sandy had said, and he leaned down and placed a soft kiss on the top of her nose. Seth was muttering to himself because the computer was not working the way that he wanted it to.

Ryan was a part of this. This family. His family.

* * *

The noise outside the house woke up Kirsten and Sandy first. They both sat up and looked at each other.

"I'll see what it is," Sandy said placing a hand on her arm. He got out of bed, and shot one more look back at his wife before opening up the blinds and looking out the window at the back yard where the source of the noise had come from.

"What is it?" Kirsten asked in a hushed whisper. Sandy shrugged. He didn't see anything. He turned to go back to bed when the sound of breaking glass echoed through the silence. Sandy grabbed the phone from off the cradle.

"Stay here," he commanded as he gently opened the door and looked out. One of the windows in the pool house was broken, and the glass was scattered all over the patio. When Sandy stepped outside, he noticed a sleepy Ryan and Seth standing in the kitchen. He moved towards them, not seeing anyone outside. They stepped out side and the three stood on the patio.

"What's going on?" Seth asked yawning. "What happened to the pool house?"

"I'm not sure," Sandy said. "You guys didn't see anything?" Both boys shook their heads. Sandy ran a hand through his hair. "I wonder what happened?" Just as he was about to tell the boys that they would investigate in the morning and to go back to bed, he heard Kirsten's scream slice through the air. Sandy's heart stopped, and he realized that he had the phone in his hand. He had taken it in case he needed to call the police, but he had left his wife defenseless. He could kick himself.

"Mom," Seth breathed and the three took off through the back yard to Sandy and Kirsten's room. Sandy was panicking already as he threw open the glass door that led to their bedroom.

"Kirsten?" He screamed and heard a soft whimper and turned his head in that direction and saw AJ standing with a gun holding on to his wife. Sandy stopped breathing and placed a hand out to stop both Seth and Ryan.

"Let her go!" Ryan screamed. "What are you doing here? How did you find me?"

"I loved her," AJ said. "I loved her, and you left her all alone. You left her alone and look what happened!" AJ shook his head. "It's not fair that you get to live the good life while she was left alone in Chino to suffer. Now she's dead. She's dead and it's all your fault."

"Please let her go," Sandy said slowly. "She didn't do anything to you."

"I loved her," AJ repeated. "I loved her. And now she's dead."

"Let her go," Ryan said again. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry I left. I'm sorry she's dead. You loved her okay? You loved her, and I loved her, and it's no one's fault that she died. She was lonely, and there was no reason for her to be lonely because we both loved her." AJ shook his head.

Sandy passed the phone back to Seth and mouthed for him to slip out and call the police. Seth nodded, and slowly backed out the open door. AJ didn't even notice him.

"I miss her so much you know?"

"I know, I know you do. But you need to let Kirsten go. And you need to put down the gun," Ryan said trying to remain calm. He knew that Sandy, who usually could be counted on to be in control, was no good right then. He could see it in Sandy's eyes that he was panicking. Kirsten was in trouble. Sandy couldn't think straight when it came to Kirsten. It was Ryan, therefore, who had to step up, and stop this before it got out of hand. Before Kirsten got hurt. Before anyone got hurt.

"Shit…I just…I loved her." AJ kept repeating that, and Ryan could see Kirsten's eyes, large and frightened and he hated himself for putting her, putting any of the Cohens, in this situation. Didn't they live in a gated community? Weren't those guards there for a reason?

Ryan heard the sirens at the same time that AJ did. AJ seemed to snap out of it and glanced at Kirsten, who was now crying silently, and then Sandy, whose fists were clenched at his side, and Ryan who had taken a few steps closer to grab Kirsten.

"Dude, just hand her over, okay? The police are on their way, please AJ, just hand her over and no one gets hurt," Ryan pleaded.

"I loved her," AJ repeated.

And then the gun went off.

* * *

Ohh, so I decided that this needed a little more drama. Haha, like Dawn dying wasn't traumatic enough. Damn AJ. Anyway, let me know what you thought, and if you still want me to continue. Fantastical. I have to go read Marx and start a paper on it. Blech. Make me feel better? Please? 


	10. We found the ground

You guys are so freaking awesome! Thank you so much for reviewing! You rock my socks. I have class on Thursday nights until 8:30, so my roommate and I always tape The OC, and then wait until nine, rewind it and watch it. But last Thursday, I left it up to my roommate to set up the VCR, and somehow she forgot to tape it with sound (I'm not even sure how that's possible, but it is), so we had to watch the whole damn thing with closed captioning. Now it's funny, all of us leaning forward to read the closed captioning, but then, not so funny. Anyway, let me know what you thought of this chapter, and have a wonderful day!

Disclaimer: The characters are not mine. Bummer.

* * *

Both AJ and Kirsten tumbled to the floor when the gun went off, and Sandy's breath caught in his throat as he watched both lay motionless on the floor. It took him only a second to recover and run to his wife and pull her body, covered with blood, into his arms.

"Is she okay?" Ryan asked letting out a breath that he had been holding since the gun went off.

"I don't know kid, she didn't get hit," Sandy said. But while his wife's eyes were open, she was not making a sound, and her entire body was shaking. Seth walked in at this moment, having heard the gun go off, and his eyes widened at the sight of his father holding his mother in his arms. Sandy placed her gently on the bed.

"Oh God! What happened?" Seth cried out.

"AJ shot himself," Sandy said. "Kirsten? Honey? Are you okay? Are you hurt anywhere?" She shook her head slightly, her body still shaking uncontrollably. The door burst open and several police officers came in, and the paramedics came in. One went over to check on AJ, and the other hurried over to Sandy and Kirsten.

"Where are you hurt?" The second paramedic asked Kirsten, who simply shook her head.

"She's not," Sandy said helping her sit up. "It's not her blood."

"He's dead," the other one announced from where AJ's body lay.

"Sandy," the one police officer, Officer Jamison, who knew Sandy from when he had worked at the PD's office came over to where Sandy held his bloody and shaking wife. Both Ryan and Seth were huddled in the corner, watching all of this with wide eyes. "We're going to need statements from all four of you." Sandy nodded and looked over at his boys, and then down at his wife, who had stopped shaking, but was gripping his t-shirt with desperation.

"Whenever you're ready," Officer Jamison quickly amended. "Let your wife clean up, and then meet us at the station." Sandy wanted to thank him, but he couldn't speak. He watched as the paramedics loaded AJ's body on a stretcher and covered it with a sheet.

Sandy helped Kirsten to her feet. He placed an around her, afraid that she would tumble to the ground otherwise. He walked her over to where Ryan and Seth stood, and to all of their surprise, Ryan was the first to wrap his arms around her in a tight hug.

"Are you okay?" He asked. She pulled back slightly and studied his face.

"Are you?" She asked in return. Ryan gave a small, sad shake of his head.

"You should go get cleaned up," he said pointing to her clothes. She noticed that both Sandy and Ryan had blood from her now on them. She just nodded, and Sandy led her away to get her cleaned up.

"This is crazy," Seth said shaking his head. "Are you okay?" Ryan just stared at the stretcher with AJ's body on it. How many times had he wished that AJ were dead? And now he was. AJ was dead. Dawn was dead. "Dude, what are you thinking?" Seth asked again. Ryan shook his head.

"This is going to make a hell of a therapy session," he finally said.

* * *

Sandy took Kirsten's nightgown and placed it in a plastic bag. She had just gotten into the shower, and shut the door behind her, and every so often he could hear a sob escape. He shook his head as he tied the bag shut.

He wanted to hold her in his arms and make things better for her. He wanted to do the same for Ryan and Seth. If he could, he wanted to go back and stop it all from happening. Stop AJ from getting into the house in the first place. Where the hell was the top notch security that they were supposed to have? Another sob from the closed bathroom door.

"Honey? Are you okay in there?" Sandy asked knocking gently. There was no response. He gently opened the door and he found Kirsten standing in the shower, scalding hot water running down her body and she looked at him tearfully, and then she looked down. He watched as the blood that was on her swirled down the drain. She put a hand to her mouth and stifled the sob that was escaping. Sandy wasted no time in crossing to her and taking off his slightly bloody t-shirt, depositing it on the floor, and slipping out of his boxers and pulling her into his arms and holding her under the hot water.

"I…I've never seen…he shot himself in our bedroom Sandy," Kirsten said shaking her head. "He shot himself next to me."

"I know baby," Sandy said pushing her wet hair from off of her face.

"How can I sleep in that room? How can I…I just when I close my eyes I see his face, and I hear the gun, and I…" She shook her head. "Are the boys okay?" Sandy nodded.

"Last time I checked they were okay," he assured her. "They were both changing and cleaning up. We have to go down to the police station and make our statements."

"Okay." There was a pause and then in a small voice she asked, "Can we just stand like this for another minute?" And Sandy's heart broke, as he tightened his hold on her.

"We can stand here for as long as you need."

* * *

Sandy and Kirsten met the boys in the living room a half hour later, and the four walked in silence to the car. The ride to the police station started out as silent, and surprisingly it was Kirsten who broke it. She was finally starting to think more clearly, and realized that she had broken down and left Sandy to pick up the pieces, left him to take care of her and the boys, and that wasn't quite fair. Sandy was probably falling apart too. She needed to pick up some of the slack.

"Are you guys okay?" She addressed the car as a whole, but turned to face the boys in the backseat. More specifically, she turned to face Ryan in the backseat.

"We're okay," Seth assured her. And while she was glad that her son was okay, it was Ryan who she was more worried about. Seth had, thankfully, been outside. Seth hadn't witnessed it. Seth hadn't seen AJ shoot himself in the head, and didn't have that image indelibly marked on his mind forever.

"Ryan?" She questioned.

"I'm…I don't know what I am," Ryan finally said. "I'm not fine. I'm not not fine. I'm just…" His voice trailed off and he gave Kirsten a small smile. "I'm going to be fine. It's not like there was any love lost between me and AJ." Kirsten reached out and took his hand in hers.

"But what you saw…"

"You saw it too," Ryan said softly.

"If you need to talk to us," Sandy chimed in. "We're here. Although, that is what we pay Dr. Gregory the big bucks for." He pulled into the parking lot of the police station and reached over and gave Kirsten's knee a reassuring squeeze.

"Let's just go get this over with," Ryan muttered. "I just want this all to end."

"I know sweetheart," Kirsten said as she climbed out of the car. "We all do." Sandy placed an arm around her and led her inside the police station.

More than anything, he wanted this all to be over with. He wanted this entire couple of weeks to be erased from memory. From the minute they had gotten that first phone call telling them that Dawn was dead, nothing good had happened. He placed a small kiss on Kirsten's temple.

When that gun had gone off, and she had flown backwards, a result of AJ still holding on to her, his heart had stopped. It all happened so fast, and he had for a moment thought that she had gotten hit too. Ryan had reached out in that split second and grabbed Sandy's hand, and Sandy knew that Ryan was thinking the same thing. When Sandy had broken from Ryan's grasp to run to Kirsten, he had looked back to check on his foster son, and saw that Ryan had not taken his eyes off of AJ's body. Sandy didn't even want to think about the psychological effects that this was going to have on the poor kid. On his wife, for that matter. Kirsten wasn't exactly used to violence. She grew up wealthy and sheltered. He would give anything to have kept her that way.

Sandy really needed a time machine, he decided. He would go back and take Kirsten with him when he left their bedroom. He would have called the police from the kitchen and led his family out front to wait. He would have done things differently. Sandy had never felt like more a failure in his life. He had let his sons down, he had let his wife down. He should have protected them. He should have done something, anything to stop them from having to be there when AJ shot himself.

Kirsten had gotten quiet again as they headed into the police station, withdrawing into herself. So was Ryan. They were a lot more alike than they thought. Sandy saw it. But even Seth was quiet as they walked through the doors to make their statements.

Sandy had screwed up. He had failed them. And now his family was paying the price.

* * *

"I'll go make up the guest bedroom," Sandy announced when they arrived back home a couple hours later. Everyone was exhausted now, and all Kirsten wanted to do was to go to bed. But she knew that she couldn't sleep in her bedroom tonight. She wasn't sure if she ever could. Someone had killed himself in there. It was bad enough every time she closed her eyes to see the blood and hear the gunshot, she didn't need to open her eyes and see where it happened. "Seth? Can you run to the laundry room and grab some pajamas for your mother and me?" Sandy expected a whine from his son. Something about how he was not slave labor, but Seth kept his mouth shut, and simply nodded and walked in the direction of the laundry room. Kirsten sighed when the two left the room, leaving just her and Ryan alone in the living room.

"I'm sorry," Ryan said.

"For what honey?" Kirsten asked.

"For bringing AJ here. He wouldn't have come here if I wasn't here." Ryan knew that this was his fault. He had done this. He had been nothing but trouble for the Cohens since he moved in. Kirsten could have been killed tonight. Seth and Sandy for that matter.

"Listen to me Ryan, it's not your fault. What happened tonight is not your fault, so please don't think that it is." Kirsten crossed to him and wrapped her arms around him. "It's going to be okay." Seth reappeared with pajamas in his hands for his parents.

"Sorry, didn't mean to interrupt," he said handing his mother the stack of clothes. "I got you the most unrevealing pajamas that I could find. No hanky panky tonight, not right next door to me." Kirsten managed a small laugh at that and let go of Ryan to hug Seth.

"Ready for bed sweetheart?" Sandy's voice asked.

"Yes," she said and the four trooped upstairs. But when she got into bed, next to Sandy, with his arms wrapped around her, she realized that she couldn't sleep. Her mind was racing, and the image of AJ wouldn't leave her mind.

He would haunt her dreams for awhile.

"Honey?" Sandy broke through the silence that had fallen over them. "Are you okay?" Kirsten turned so that she was facing him.

"I have no idea," she answered honestly, and all Sandy could do was pull her into his arms and hold her.

* * *

Okay, so please review and let me know what you think! That would be awesome, and you guys are awesome, right? Go forth and review! 


	11. But you're alive

So is anyone else so very angry at Sandy for kissing that Rebecca chick? All of my roommates and I screamed at the television, "What are you doing!" when he kissed her. We live next door to an apartment of boys, and they came running over when they heard us yell, and we had to assure them that we weren't being murdered or something. Although, they were happy to stay when we told them that Marissa was going to kiss another girl…boys, who understands them. Anyway, let me know what you thought of this chapter. Thanks!

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters. Not a single one, although if I did own Sandy, I'd be beating some sense into him.

* * *

_I can't sleep tonight  
Everybody saying everything's alright  
Still I can't close my eyes  
I'm seeing a tunnel at the end of all these lights  
Sunny days  
Where have you gone?  
I get the strangest feeling you belong _- Travis

* * *

The next morning Kirsten woke up and couldn't quite remember where she was. Sitting up, it took her a minute, but the night before came rushing back to her. It hadn't been a night of good sleep for either Sandy or Kirsten, and the little sleep that she had gotten had been plagued with nightmares.

"Morning baby," Sandy said softly, sitting up next to her and pushing a stray piece of blonde hair off her face. He leaned and gave her a soft kiss on the cheek.

"Tell me last night didn't happen," Kirsten whispered.

"I wish I could," he replied. She didn't know the half of it. He would give anything to make the night before just a bad dream. For her, for Ryan, for all of them. Unfortunately, he couldn't, and he wasn't entirely sure on how to go about fixing anything either.

"We should go check on the boys," Kirsten said after a minute of silence. She climbed out of bed, and pulled on the robe that Sandy had gotten for her from their bedroom. She didn't want to have to go back into her bedroom, but she knew that she would. Eventually. For the time being though, she was perfectly content with sending Sandy in to get her clothes, or shoes, or other various items that she needed.

They found the two sitting at the kitchen counter. Neither one was talking, and while there was a box of cereal and two bowls, neither one was eating.

"Hey guys," Sandy said when they walked in.

"Hey," Seth responded, half heartedly lifting up his hand in a sort of wave.

"Did you guys sleep at all?" Kirsten asked. She knew the answer, but she was hoping that maybe she was wrong.

"Negative Mom," Seth said. Ryan just shook his head.

"Did you?" He asked.

"Not so much," Kirsten admitted. She went to the coffee pot and poured herself a cup, she would need as much caffeine as she could get this morning. She sighed and leaned against the counter. The four sat in silence, all wondering the same thing.

What now?

Kirsten knew that she didn't want to return to her bedroom. She knew that she couldn't step in there without thinking about what had happened. But could she leave this house? This house that held so many memories? Of Seth. Of her and Sandy. Of Ryan. Good memories. Happy memories.

So the question was, could the good memories outweigh the bad?

All Kirsten wanted to do right then, was cut her losses and run.

"I'm going to go take a shower," Kirsten finally announced. She looked over towards the direction of her bedroom, and Sandy saw the look on her face and jumped in.

"Why don't you go up and I'll grab some clothes for you from our room?" He offered. She smiled gratefully at him.

"Sure, thanks, honey," she said giving him a kiss when she walked by on her way up to the guest bathroom. The three boys watched her walk out of the kitchen and Ryan turned to Sandy.

"She won't go into your bedroom," he said flatly. It wasn't a question. Sandy shook his head.

"No," he told him. "I better go get some things for her." Sandy left the kitchen, shaking his head.

"Poor Mom," Seth murmured. He knew that he had been so relieved to return to his bedroom, to be able to crawl into his own bed and try to get some sleep. His mother had been next to AJ when he shot himself in her own bedroom. Her sanctuary was essentially ruined.

Ryan remained silent. There had to be something that he could do to fix this. As much as Sandy told him that it wasn't his fault, he still felt like it was his fault. AJ had come to find him.

Ryan decided that he would find a way to make it up to Kirsten. Make it up to all three of the Cohens.

* * *

Sandy knocked lightly on the bathroom door, and stepped inside.

"I brought you some clothes, honey, they're on the bed. I wasn't sure what you'd want, so I brought a lot," he told her. He had just grabbed armfuls of clothes, knowing that they would probably be staying in the guest bedroom for a little while. Her head popped out from behind the shower curtain, and Kirsten smiled at him.

"Why don't you join me?" She said suggestively. She needed to forget about things for awhile, and Sandy joining her in the shower would certainly do the trick. Unlike the night before, when he had simply held her in the shower, she planned on doing a little bit more this time.

"Why Mrs. Cohen, I never thought you'd ask," Sandy grinned at her and began to strip down. He stepped in under the hot water and leaned down and kissed her.

"You are so beautiful," he whispered. "I love you so much." He ran a hand down her cheek.

"I love you too," she said smiling at him and giving him a kiss. This was good, she decided. This was nice. And Sandy gave her one more kiss, and she decided that it was better than good.

It was really, really good.

* * *

"What's the GP again RA?" Seth asked as he got into the car.

"We need to do something nice for your mom," Ryan said again. "So we're going shopping."

"No, see, doing something nice for her would be to let her go shopping, and leaving me out of it," Seth explained.

"Seth, she won't go back into her bedroom," Ryan said exasperated. "I have your dad's credit card, and I told him what we were doing."

"What are we doing? I'm still not clear on that," Seth said again.

"We're going to change her bedroom." Ryan wasn't sure that that was going to be enough. In fact, he was fairly sure that it wasn't. But he could at least try. Maybe if it looked differently, than the memories wouldn't haunt her quite as much. They would need new carpeting, as AJ's blood was still on theirs, and maybe a new comforter. Thosehad been Ryan's only thoughts, but Sandy had handed him the credit card and told him to buy everything new. New furniture, new decorations, everything.

"How are we supposed to get decorations?" Seth asked curiously.

"We're picking up Summer and Marissa," Ryan explained. "They're going to help us with that." They pulled up in front of Marissa's first, and she came bounding out and Seth moved into the backseat and she got in the passenger seat.

"Are you guys okay?" She asked. "We saw the police and the ambulances last night, and we tried to call over there, but you guys must have been at the police station at that time."

"We're okay," Ryan said. "But Kirsten…" He shook his head. "She's pretty shaken up."

"I can imagine," Marissa said. She shuddered at the thought. When she had been with Oliver, and he had held the gun up to his head, she had been terrified, she could only imagine what Kirsten was feeling like.

Summer got in the car and proceeded to look Seth completely over.

"Cohen, you're okay right?"

"I'm okay," he assured her.

"And you aren't hurt anywhere?"

"That would be what okay implies," he said sarcastically. Summer shot him a death glare, and he quieted down.

"No, I'm not hurt anywhere."

"Then let's go, Chino," Summer instructed. "Operation Make-Kirsten-Feel-Better is in full swing."

* * *

They came back with bags full of things, and the furniture was ordered, as was the carpeting. They snuck the bags up to Kirsten and Sandy's room, and Ryan had to brace himself against the rush of emotions that hit him. But he took a deep breath, and reminded himself that he was doing this for Kirsten.

It was funny, but it was making him feel better by trying to make her feel better. It was something to take his mind off of what was happening. It gave him something to focus on instead of wallowing in self-pity and guilt.

The problem was how to get the carpeting and furniture in without Kirsten's noticing. Sandy stepped in on this one, and offered to take her out of town for the weekend. She needed it anyway, he had pointed out, and that way they could get everything done and have it ready for her when they returned.

"And leave the boys?" Kirsten asked when the trip was suggested to her.

"They're going to be okay," Sandy told her. "You need this."

"I don't know…I mean, I don't want to leave them so soon after…." She trailed off. It had been almost four days, and Kirsten had refused to step into her bedroom. Practically her entire bedroom had been moved into the guest bedroom.

"They suggested it," Sandy told her. "They wanted to do something nice for you." Kirsten bit her lip, and thought about it.

"I guess it would be good to get away for a weekend," she finally said.

"Great," Sandy grinned at her. "Fantastic. Let me make the reservations." He gave the boys, who were listening in the living room, thumbs up, and proceeded to his office to make the hotel reservations.

Everything was set. And while Sandy knew that just giving their bedroom a makeover wouldn't solve everything. They would all still have plenty to deal with, Ryan and Kirsten especially, but it would be a start. It was giving Ryan and Seth something to think about, and it was giving him an excuse to take Kirsten out of town, and for that it was worth it.

It was a step in the right direction.

* * *

"You have our number, right?" Kirsten asked the boys for what was literally the seventh time.

"Yes," Seth answered.

"And you'll call us if you need us?"

"Yes," Ryan assured her.

"And you're going to be okay?"

"Yes."

"And no parties."

"Okay."

"And get some sleep."

"Okay."

"And no drinking."

"Okay."

"Come on honey," Sandy said prodding Kirsten to the car.

"Be good, boys," she said giving each a hug and a kiss. "I love you."

"Love you too," it was Ryan who said this, and Kirsten's smile could light up a room. She gave him one more kiss on the cheek and climbed in the car.

"The delivery guys are coming tomorrow," Seth told his father. "The carpeting is being installed in the morning. Everything should be done by Sunday."

"Good," Sandy said smiling. "Have fun, guys."

"You too," Seth said. "Although not too much fun, I'm far too old to become a brother." Sandy shook his head, grinning, and climbed in the front seat and pulled out of the driveway.

"He said he loved us," Kirsten said softly as soon as they were on the road. She smiled at Sandy, one of the first real smiles he had seen from her in days.

Yes, he decided. A definite step in the right direction.

* * *

Okay, so please review and let me know what you thought of this chapter. I'm going shopping! Yay for shopping! Although, I don't really have that much money, I'm kind of a broke college kid….oh well, that's what credit cards are for. Let me know! Thanks! 


	12. You stand out

Hey kids! Here's the next chapter, I'm getting close to wrapping this one up. Please review and let me know what you thought! Someone explain the weather to me, because yesterday it was raining and cold, and today was gorgeous, warm and sunny, and tomorrow it's supposed to snow. Mother Nature seriously needs to make up her mind. Make me feel better, review!

Disclaimer: Repeat after me: the characters are not mine.

* * *

_Just follow the light  
And don't be afraid of the dark  
In the moonlight  
You'll dance till you fall  
And always be here in my heart  
'cos it's alright, alright now  
And you're alright  
Yeah we're alright now_- Travis

* * *

Sandy looked over to where Kirsten had fallen asleep with her head resting on the window. He had booked them a room in Palm Springs, and she had been so exhausted from her recent lack of sleep, that within five minutes in the car she was out. Sandy was pretty sure that she hadn't had a good night of sleep since AJ shot himself. He had even heard her calling her doctor to prescribe sleeping pills. But in the car, with the radio playing Norah Jones softly, one of Kirsten's favorites, she had closed her eyes for "just a second" as she said yawning, and had fallen into a deep, undisturbed asleep.

Sandy took his eyes off the road for a second to reach over and run a hand down her cheek. She stirred slightly, and Sandy pulled his hand back. He really didn't want to wake her up.

The peaceful sleep didn't last, Sandy had figured it wouldn't. Her eyes shot open a little while later, and she clutched her chest and took gasping breaths.

"Honey, breathe," Sandy instructed, pulling over so that he could focus on her. He ran a hand up and down her back. "Sweetie, Kirsten, take a deep breath. It's okay. I'm here. You're okay." She took a deep breath, and let it out shakily.

"I'm sorry," she said softly.

"Don't be sorry for anything," Sandy told her. "Are you okay?" She nodded, and he leaned over and gave her a kiss before pulling back onto the road.

"Are we almost there?" She asked looking out the window.

"Yes we are," Sandy said taking her hand.

"We should call the boys soon," she suggested.

"We told them that we'd call when we got there," he reminded her. "They're fine. Really, sweetheart, they're fine." Kirsten nodded, but she looked unconvinced. She fell silent again, watching the scenery as it passed.

"Thank you," she spoke up finally.

"For what babe?"

"For being so…great with me this past week. I'm being ridiculous, I know."

"You aren't." He put his hand over hers. "Honey you take as much time as you need." She gave him a small, grateful smile. They reached a hotel and he pulled into the parking lot. He handed her his phone. "Call the boys. It will make you feel better." Kirsten's smile grew and she took the phone.

"Thanks," she said softly. She opened it up and scrolled down until she found home.

"Hello?" Ryan answered breathlessly.

"Hi honey, it's Kirsten, are you okay?" She frowned.

"I'm fine," he assured her. "Seth! Not there!"

"Ryan? What's going on there?"

"Oh…we're playing Playstation," Ryan lied. He held his breath, wondering if Kirsten was going to buy it.

"Oh, okay, well I just wanted to call and tell you that we got here safely."

"Oh good," Ryan said.

"We'll call to check in on you a little later," Kirsten told him.

"Okay, do you want to talk to Seth?"

"No, it's okay. You're sure you're all right?"

"Yes, we're fine," Ryan said rolling his eyes slightly at Seth. "Go have fun."

"Okay. Bye honey, I love you."

"I love you too," and with that Ryan hung up.

"Are they okay?" Sandy asked. He had gone in awhile and gotten them checked in.

"Yes," she said smiling at him. "They're fine."

"Good," Sandy replied, giving her a kiss on her temple. He grabbed their two bags and headed towards the hotel. Sandy didn't know if it was talking to the boys, or just being out of the house and out of Newport, but Kirsten seemed a little livelier, a little happier than she had been for the past few days. She was smiling. A lot. Sandy loved her smile. This was a good idea.

He would have to remind himself to raise the boys' allowance or something for this one.

"Here we are," Sandy said opening the door and placing their bags on the floor. "So what do you want to do? Get some dinner? Or…maybe go see a movie? Or…"

"I have a better idea," Kirsten said grinning at her husband.

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah," she taunted stepping forward and kissing him. She slid his jacket from off his shoulders. "How about we stay in tonight?" Raising an eyebrow, Sandy leaned in and kissed her back.

"Why, that's a wonderful idea," he said.

Oh yes, he would definitely have to raise their allowances.

* * *

"Cohen!" Summer scolded.

"What?" Seth looked away from where he was painting.

"Look at the mess you made," she placed her hands on her hips.

"The carpeting is getting replaced anyway," Seth said shrugging.

"Not the point," Summer cried. With the help of some movers that Sandy had hired, they had moved all the furniture out of the room and donated it to the Goodwill. And now they were painting the room. It had been blue, and now it was a pale rose. Sandy had whined just a little bit when they told him what color Marissa and Summer had picked out.

"Pink? You're painting my bedroom pink?" He had said.

"It's a pale pink, and with the bedspread, and the decorations, it won't be too girly," Marissa had argued. "Besides, you said that Kirsten really loved that color."

"She does," Sandy said sighing. "Okay, do whatever you think she's going to like."

So now the four kids were slathering the walls with the pink paint, trying to get it finished sothat thecarpeting could be replacedin the morning.

"It looks good," Marissa said admiring the job they had done so far. Ryan was painting the floorboards and crown molding white.

"It does, doesn't it?" Ryan said smiling a little bit. "I hope she likes it."

"She will," Summer said. "But enough talking, we need to finish. Get working."

"She's a little domineering, isn't she?" Marissa said laughing.

"That's why I love her," Seth grinned giving his girlfriend a sloppy kiss on the cheek.

"Cohen!" She squealed. "Get to work."

"Yes, ma'am," Seth said nodding in Summer's direction. But when he looked over at her and gave her a sideways grin, she couldn't help but grin back at him.

* * *

Sandy looked down at his sleeping wife. She was curled up next to him, and he leaned down and placed a kiss on her bare shoulder before gently removing himself from her embrace, and slipping out of bed. He pulled on a robe, and stepped out into the hallway to call the boys to see how the progress on the room was going.

"'Ello?" Seth answered on the third ring.

"Hey kid."

"Hey Dad, how's Mom?"

"She's good, she's sleeping. This was a great idea, kiddo."

"Good," Seth replied.

"How's the room coming?"

"We've finished painting," Seth said. "We're just about to go to bed."

"Okay, then I won't keep you," Sandy said. "Goodnight."

"Goodnight," Seth responded. Sandy closed the phone and stepped back into the room. Kirsten was still fast asleep, her breathing even. He took off the robe, and draped it over a chair and climbed back in next to her. He couldn't help but place a kiss on her lips. She stirred slightly. Sandy pulled her closer to him and fell asleep holding her.

She slept through the whole night, safe in Sandy's arms.

* * *

The carpeting was in, and the four were lying on the new carpet in the middle of the empty room staring at the ceiling.

"Should we at least start hanging up pictures?" Marissa asked halfheartedly. She didn't really feel like moving at all.

"We have all tomorrow to do that," Seth reminded her. "Let's just lay here until the furniture gets here."

"Good plan," Summer said reaching over and taking his hand. They were silent for a while until they heard the door ringing. Ryan groaned.

"Someone has to go let them in," Seth said. "And I put one vote in for not me."

"I'll get it," Ryan said rolling his eyes, standing, and making his way down the stairs. He directed the movers to around the back, and into Kirsten and Sandy's bedroom. The other three scrambled up from the floor as they placed the furniture in the room. They had gone with a light oak this time, instead of white like their old furniture. The point was to make it as different as possible.

"I think we deserve a break," Summer said when the furniture was in. "I mean we have all day tomorrow to finish it."

"Last time I talked to Sandy, they were planning on being home around 5," Ryan reported.

"Plenty of time," Summer reiterated.

"Dad left us money. How about some pizza?" Seth suggested. The four trooped down stairs to the kitchen.

"We're not normal," Summer said suddenly. Her friends turned to look at her with quizzical expressions.

"Want to explain that one Sum?" Marissa asked.

"I was just thinking that if we were normal, we'd be throwing a party right now. After all, we don't have any adult supervision, money, and this huge house." She shrugged. "And instead we're painting and redecorating and ordering pizza."

"Don't forget renting a movie," Seth piped up. "Are you saying that there's something wrong with this?" Summer thought about it. A year ago, she would have said yes. She would have said that there was no way that she would spend the weekend with Seth Cohen and his foster brother trying to do something nice for his mother. A year ago she would be out partying.

But here she was, having fun, and doing something nice for a woman who had treated her like she was her own daughter. A woman who didn't deserve to have happened to her what had happened. A woman who deserved to be able to get a decent night of sleep in her own bedroom without being reminded that a man had died right next to her.

"No," Summer decided. "It's just strange that's all. I've just realized how much I've changed."

"We all have," Ryan said. He wasn't the same person he was when he first came to Newport. Hell, he wasn't even the same person he was a week ago.

He had to think that he was changing for the better.

They all were.

* * *

Okay, so I didn't know exactly how to end it, but I have to start my paper, so it's going to end there. Will Kirsten like the new room? Guess you'll have to review to find out, huh? 


	13. Fair

This the last chapter. Thank you all so much for reading it,and sticking with me. You are all awesome and deserve the freaking biggest piece of cake in the world, and if I could bake, I would bake you one and send it to you. Alas, I am about as good of a cook as Kirsten is...so you know, you don't want anything that I make. Please reivew one last time and let me know what you thought. Thanks!

Disclaimer: For the last time, repeat after me, the characters are not mine.

* * *

When they heard the car pull up in the driveway, Seth was hanging up the last picture on the wall. They stepped back to admire their work.

"It looks so good you guys," Marissa said.

"We did good, didn't we?" Summer agreed.

"Guys? We're home?" Kirsten's voice traveled through the house and the four hurried down to the living room and met her in the front hall. Kirsten gave each of her boys a hug, and then smiled at the girls. "Hi girls."

"Hi Kirsten," Marissa said smiling back at her. "Did you have a nice time?"

"I did," Kirsten nodded. Sandy came in behind her holding the bags. He gave Ryan thumbs up, to which Ryan nodded. "But it's good to be home."

"That it is," Sandy agreed.

"So what did you guys do this weekend?" Kirsten asked as she shrugged out of her jacket and handed it to Sandy to hang up for her.

"Well," Seth started. "Close your eyes."

"What?" Kirsten asked. She felt Sandy's hand take hers.

"Honey, just close your eyes," he told her. Reluctantly, she did what she was told, and with Sandy and Seth's help they led her up the stairs and to her bedroom. Halfway up, Kirsten must have figured out where they were going, and began to shake without realizing that she begun to. Sandy's hand tightened on hers, and he began to whisper in her ear that it was okay. They reached the top and Sandy uncovered her eyes.

Kirsten gasped. It was her bedroom, but it wasn't. The bloodstain was gone, the furniture was gone, and the color of the walls was different. Tears began to roll down her cheeks.

"Do you like it?" Summer asked softly.

"I love it!" Kirsten sobbed pulling the closest person to her, which just happened to be Ryan. "Thank you." She walked farther into the room.

"What about the color?" Marissa asked.

"I love the color!" Kirsten assured her. Marissa shot Sandy an I-told-you-so look.

"What about the furniture?" Seth asked.

"It's gorgeous," Kirsten said. She ran her hand over the comforter. "It's all gorgeous." She turned around to face the four kids. "Thank you so much." Kirsten put her hand to her mouth and choked back a sob. "It's perfect." Sandy crossed over to her and wrapped her in his arms and kissed her temple.

"It's beautiful," he told them. "Thank you." Once Kirsten had gotten herself back together, she walked over to the kids and gave each one a hug.

"You really like it?" Seth asked. He was the first one in the pseudo receiving line.

"I do," his mother nodded and reached up and touched his face. "I love you."

"I love you too," Seth replied quietly as his mother gave him another hug. He was glad to see finally something good for her. Something happy for her. She had needed this. Not just the room, but needed to reminded that there were plenty of people who loved and worried about her. Actually, Ryan had needed this too. Not to show him people cared about him, but to see how happy this simply thing had made Kirsten.

Ryan blamed himself for AJ. For knowing AJ, for AJ getting into the house. No matter how many times any of the Cohens tried to assure him that it wasn't his fault, he still felt guilty. It was one of things that he had mentioned in therapy the last time he had gone, and one of the things that Dr. Gregory was working with him on. But by doing something nice for Kirsten, Ryan almost felt like he could be relieved of some of the burden. Therapy was definitely helping, but this was just a little push in the right direction for him as well.

"Thank you sweetie," Kirsten said to Summer giving her a hug. Summer had always liked Seth's mother. Half the time she came over here, it wasn't just to see Seth, but also to be a part of his family. They were warm and inviting, and made practically everyone feel at home.

"You're welcome," Summer beamed at Kirsten. She loved that something they had done had made Kirsten this happy.

"And you too honey," Kirsten said to Marissa.

"No problem," Marissa said smiling back at her neighbor. Ryan was at the end of the line, and Kirsten silently wrapped her arms around her foster son.

"Thank you so much for doing this honey, I love you so much," Kirsten whispered in his ear.

"I love you too," Ryan replied softly. "I'm glad that you like it." Kirsten pulled away and nodded, wiping the tears from her eyes.

"Well," Sandy said coming to his wife and wrapping his arm around her waist. "I believe that you guys have earned a celebratory dinner. Why don't you go change and we'll go somewhere nice?" The four kids nodded, and left to change out of their old clothes.

"You knew about this?" Kirsten accused waggling a finger at him, but a smile was on her face.

"I did," Sandy confirmed.

"Thank you, it's beautiful," Kirsten replied reaching up to give him a kiss.

"Honey, I think something needs to be done in here though," Sandy said.

"What's that?" Kirsten asked confused looking around.

"Well, I do believe this bed needs to be christened," Sandy grinned at her. She grinned back at him and gave him another kiss.

"I think that can be arranged later," she told him. "But for now, I have to get changed." With that she walked into the bathroom, and closed the door hearing him groan on the other side.

* * *

"You couldn't wear a tie?" Kirsten asked her son when she came down the stairs dressed for dinner. "Seth, go get a tie."

"Mom," he whined.

"Jacket and tie Seth, go get one," Kirsten demanded. Sandy had to smile to himself. Kirsten was back to being her normal, controlling self. And he, for one, was relieved. She had been so withdrawn the past week, almost fragile. The weekend away and the room had done wonders for her.

Sandy wasn't an idiot. He knew that the aftermath of this would be fairly long lasting. Just because the bedroom changed didn't mean that everything was okay. Kirsten would probably need therapy to deal with this. Ryan would continue to need therapy. What had Anna said about the Balboa heights so long ago? Right, it was a band-aid for a bullet wound.

But it was a start. For all of them. It was a start to begin to heal. To begin to be okay again.

"Better," Kirsten announced when Seth came down again with a tie on. He rolled his eyes. A knock on the door interrupted them and they opened it to find Marissa and Summer all dressed up and ready to go.

"You look beautiful girls," Sandy complimented as Ryan appeared and they headed out towards the cars. They were going to have to take two, and Sandy handed the keys to the Range Rover to Ryan, as he led Kirsten to the BMW.

"We'll meet you there," Kirsten called as Sandy opened the door for her.

"Hey buddy, I think Dad meant to give me the keys," Seth said reaching out for them.

"I don't think he did," Ryan argued.

"No I really think he did."

"Cohen, get in the backseat," Summer directed getting irritated with the whole exchange.

"But…"

"Cohen, I feel a rage blackout coming on," Summer started.

"Right, so I'm going to get in the backseat," Seth said climbing in. In the other car, Sandy and Kirsten shared a smile. Summer was good for him.

Sandy reached over and placed a hand over his wife's as they drove in relative silence to the restaurant.

They had a lovely meal, and Summer regaled them all with stories of how Seth can't wield a hammer if his life depended on it.

"I can too!" Seth said, feeling like his manhood was being questioned.

"It's okay son, we Cohen men just aren't very crafty by nature," Sandy told him.

"No! Dad, okay, our ancestors were carpenters! We can build things. Noah built the ark right?"

"Please don't try to build anything," Kirsten pleaded.

"Dad!"

"Nope, I'm with your mother on this one. Stay away from the tools." Seth looked confused for a second and then dropped his voice down to a whisper and leaned closer to his father.

"We have tools?"

"What did you use to hang up the pictures?" Sandy asked laughing.

"We made a special trip to the hardware store," Seth answered shrugging.

Kirsten laughed along with everyone, and finally felt like everything could be better. It was a long way from being better, but it was going to get better.

"My mom once tried to hang up a picture of clowns in my bedroom," Ryan spoke up. They turned to him surprised. "She made Trey hold the nail, and she when she went to hammer it, she hit his finger instead and broke it." He could see his mother dropping the hammer and the nails and yelling,

"Oh shit! Oh Trey! Shit, I'm so sorry honey." Ryan shook his head at the memory and laughed a little.

"She was so clumsy," he said softly. Kirsten reached over and put her hand over his.

"I'd like to know more about your mother," she told him. Ryan looked up at her. "The good things…I'd like to hear more about the good things." Ryan nodded, and a small smile crept onto his face. "It's good to talk about people who we loved and aren't here anymore." Kirsten felt Sandy's hand creep onto her leg and give it a squeeze and she turned away from Ryan just long enough to give him a smile.

It was in that moment that they knew. They all knew, that they were going to be okay. They had their share of pain and sorrow, but no one more so than Ryan. It was time for him to be happy. It was time for him to be able to enjoy the rest of his childhood.

It was only fair, after all.

* * *

I hope you enjoyed it. Thank you all so much for reviewing! I appreciate it more then you know. If you could review just one more time? I felt like this was the appropriate place to try to wrap things up, let me know what you thought of the end. Thanks! 


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